ageless memories

Ahhh, the memories. I can almost smell the fresh cut grass as I ran through it as a little girl, giggling as the grass tickled my toes. The linen pinafore dress that I adored twirling as I ran. Mother would always scold me about getting stains on my clothes. It will always make me smile.

Keeping my eyes closed I can remember the trips to beach with my family, everyone all packed into the station wagon. Are we there yet? Can you hear the ocean and feel the breeze on your face, I can, I can. I can hardly wait to put my feet into the water. My new one piece bathing suit, dark green with light green and white stripes going across the top, the little ruffle that went around the legs. I was almost afraid to get it wet.

Frowning a little at the darkness that seems to creep in every once in awhile. IT’s taking the happiness away.
The young woman chatting away with her mom sees a slight smile cross her faces. Mom I hope you're having a nice thought she says. It’s been months since mom has even been able to acknowledge that she’s in the room. As she keeps talking to her, she reaches out to gently push the hair off of her forehead. It would be so nice to see some recognition in her mom’s eyes once more. I long for the days that we could sit and talk for hours. Catch up on the day’s events and talk about the growing grandchildren.

I can't believe that I'm graduating high school already. So excited to get the girls all together and spend the weekend in the mountains. I know it’s a different place to go, but Harold’s dad has a place in the mountains. Mom said it was okay to go as long as Harold’s parents were going to be there. I get so dreamy when I think about Harold, I’m hoping for a stolen kiss this weekend. I can't wait to tell the girls about it.

Harold and I had such a brief period together, too small children and he’s gone. What am I going to do? I can't sit here and cry all day, I need to get everything going and take care of the children. I can do it with just a little help. I will do it and have healthy happy children.

Mom why are there tears running down your cheeks? I wish there was something I could do for you, please talk to me. Help me understand what’s going on with you; I don't know what to do anymore. Matching tears cascade down her daughters cheeks.

I don't want to think about the terrible times, I want the happier moments and the joy of being free. As the darkness rolls in and gets closer within her mind it’s so much easier to retreat to the happier and carefree times.

As the daughter packs up to leave and leans down to kiss her mom goodbye, she sees the slight smile cross he lips again. At least she isn't crying any more, I’ll have to take whatever comfort I can.

Over the years.

It's funny the things that go through you thoughts on a daily basis'. Getting through the year 2012 was a lot more complicated than anticipated. I had the every two year blues, almost like waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. It's how our life has been for awhile now coincidence I don't think so. Fate, nah. Just life.

In February of 2003 my brother in law was in an explosion is Staten Island. Hair raising experience for sure. He was the lucky one that survived, however the treatment for burns is not so easy. The pain that he was in was incredible. It seemed that it never ended, braiding the old skin so that new skin could grow was not an easy process for him or the family to deal with. Obviously it something that is over with but the memories still remain.

In January of 2004 my mom went in to the hospital for back surgery, my sister and I tried so many times to talk her out of it. At her age and health it wasn't something that we thought should happen. She was adamant that this is going to help her back pain, and my dad thought that as long as it helped her feel better he was all for it. Sometime during or right after the surgery her blood pressure dropped dramatically and I believe that this affected her recovery. She never came home after that, in and out of rehab's, hospitals and idiot doctors with a god complex. It was disheartening to watch her fail. It broke my dad's heart every time he visited her. It was either very long or very short 5 months whichever way you look at it. So one midnight evening my mother passed in May 2004.

Thanksgiving should be a time of families being together, cooking, laughing, and bickering. We should not have been taking dinner to my dad in the hospital. After being diagnosed with skin cancer, what a miserable disease cancer is. It just sucks the life force out of you. He did the chemo and the radiation with such grace and dignity. He amazed us on a daily basis. Between the cancer and other health related issue's (including a broken heart) dad past from our lives ever so peacefully December 2006.

Parents should not out live their children, it hurts too much. Chemo and doctors and so much more than I care to go into at this point. Needless to say that the year of 2008 was pretty much a blur to me. It was just so much to go through and get through. It was a never ending year.

The year of 2010 was another one of those years. Dealing with lung cancer, my father in law was a funny guy. Never one to create drama but always one with a smile. He had such a fear of dying and watching him get to that point was heart wrenching. So one day in April 2012 he past on.

In between all this happening was also some other stuff, my nephew getting bit by a brown recluse spider. Those little suckers are nasty!
Then of course just life in general.

I think that I was holding my breather most of 2012 just waiting and waiting. I really thought that something onimus was going to happen. Yes, we did have a crisis in December. But we got through it. Family is such an important factor in every day life. I know for one that I would be totally lost without my hubby. My son is such an amazing person. My sister is my rock and my sounding board.

The smell of cigars

Every once in awhile as i'm driving I get the slight scent drifting past my nose, just a hint of cigars. I'll take a deep breathe and try to hold that scent in, let it massage the hurt in my heart. I know it's dad saying 'HI Babe" his favorite greeting to my sister and myself.

I've been driving dads car since he passed going on 7 years now. There are also times that I can smell a sickly odor, from when dad was battling cancer. This car is something that I've been able to hold onto, HOLD is the right world. I can touch it, feel it and remember the times good and bad from within this car.

I finally had to let the car go, my sister in law really needed a car to get around with. Back and forth to and from work. Hubby went over this past weekend and deemed their Blazer as gone, blown motor. My brother in law looked devastated, granted they really don't have any money (most of this problem is of their own, oh, lets say laziness. Hubby knew that I really didn't want to give this car away, but sometimes you have to help family.

So we talked about it briefly and decided it was the right thing to do, surely not the easiest. As I was telling her about the little quirks of the car, like the blinkers don't work in the rain unless you hit the emergency flashers twice. The smell of cigars is just dad saying hi, the gas Gauge that refuses to work no matter how many times it's been repaired. Again dad saying will you please pay attention!


So i will miss this car and the many reminders of dad, not nearly as much as I miss dad though.I'm sure he would be okay with this transfer.

Dad I know your listening, i love you and miss you lots. I really want to get a scent of your cigars in my car.

irritated!

Can someone please tell me why school buses have to stop in front of a child's house with their red lights flashing and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait again. Is it just me or what? Truthfully, my kids had a bus stop to go to at a certain time. I understand that some of the kids are young, but I also need to get to work and not be delayed by 10-15 minutes waiting for the bus to go from one house to another block by block. To answer your question, yes I leave in plenty of time to get to work, if I didn't have to wait so long for the school buses. Have your kids ready to get on the bus before it gets there. No you really don't need to talk to the bus driver for a few minutes before the lovely bus driver goes to house a few yards down the road. Yes, today it was me beeping and waving my hands, pointing at my watch saying enough is enough. I have been dealing with you since September, can you just kindly please pull over to the curb if you're going to wait indefinitely for one of our future politicians. I understand that kids dilly dally all the time and get engrossed in either TV, games, or what to wear and what to eat for breakfast. I have been there and done that, wake your little darlings up a few minutes earlier and keep the TV and games OFF. It actually gets to the point that there are a few cars behind and also a few behind the school bus, turn your flashers off and let us go by. I never ever, let me repeat NEVER EVER came out of the house in my bathrobe to either pick up my kids or even drop them off at school. I really don't care what you look like in your PJ's just throw on a pair of sweats and get you little darling out to the bus stop on time. I believe that this is just common decency, don't you?

Joined the gym, (HAHAHAHA)

So the New Year has started and the weight has piled on, of course eating hasn't helped any with the weight gain. So we joined the gym, let me rephrase that we joined the gym, hahahaha. This is going to be very interesting, my hubby and I aren't all that active in the exercise department. We have both gained ALOT of weight over the last few years. Having the good ole muffin top sprouting out of the top of my pants isn't all that attractive. I am at my heaviest right now and not all that happy about it. Going up another size in pants is not an option right now, actually it's not an option at all. Been there and done that several sizes ago. So tonight is the official weigh in and talk to a trainer to see what I need to do to get a little healthier. He asked yesterday what my main goal was and I said to try and get to the gym for at least 1 month, funny he actually groaned. Hubby seems to be on the band wagon, we shall see what he says when there are no more chocolate chip cookies and swedish fish left in the house. I know that we both need to get healthier, of course history of high blood pressure and heart disease runs rampant in hubby's family. I think more insanity runs much more rampant in my family. So wish me some luck for a healthy and thinner New Year.

Solar panels

My husband seen an article about solar panels and the cost savings with the electric company. Of course, that set him off. Now it was "did you check into the solar panels"? Did you happen to see how many houses in the neighborhood had the panels installed? On and on this went until I relented and started checking into the panels. Wow, the cost of purchasing the panels were astronomical. Told hubby this isn't going to happen, way too much out of pocket expense. We then were told about leasing the solar panels, much cheaper out of pocket expense. Weren't too such about how it all worked, so figured that I would check into it a little. So I called Garden State Solar in Middletown, NJ. I spoke with the rudest man I ever had the chance to speak with. "Look lady if your not sure what you want to do, don't bother me i'm too busy". Well Kevin (insert much sarcasm here)

I'm sure that you really thought that you were busy, but based on some of the reviews that I read you really weren't that busy. I just glad that you answered the phone Kevin, otherwise I wouldn't have this lovely blog. Reliable Power and Solar were the best Company that I have dealt with in a long time. Professional, courteous and efficient. They took care of permits, paperwork and everything else that needed to be done. Thank you so much for such a great job.

Home vs House.

Home vs. House

Every morning sitting in the living room with the sun slowly filtering through the curtains having my much needed coffee, I glance over to the corner of the living room. I can still see the outline of the hospital bed and our son lying in the bed. My heart breaks again, so much pain and sorrow.
We bought this house over 32 years ago with so much excitement and dreams, both of us working full time and we could still barley afford the mortgage. The wonderful dreams that we created for our new home, yes home, this was our new home not just a house anymore. It was small only one bedroom; I guess you could call it a bungalow. Two blocks away from the beach and a nice size yard, just imagine the swing set and puppies running around with our children. Three years later a little boy was born, Joseph Anthony.
We needed more room to grow, so we added on and recreated our home. Brian James was born three years later. As our children grew and flourished it was amazing at the joy the 2 boys brought to our lives. Grammar school, Soccer, Baseball, Ice Hockey, High School we were always on the move. Sports, homework and of course the squabbles between brothers, the discipline (no cookies before dinner) life was good.
The phone call came late one April afternoon, mom my daughter in law said so upset. They found a something on Joey’s pelvis, it looks like a tumor. My oldest son was in the Navy stationed in Japan, he was having some pain down his right leg and thought that he pulled a muscle or even possible had a hernia. They flew him and his wife, Miki from Japan to San Diego. The diagnosis Osteosarcoma, bone cancer! Between getting Joey and Miki a place to stay in San Diego, (not too far from the hospital) and flying back and forth from New Jersey it was trying. Having my youngest son Brian helping out and staying in San Diego so this way someone was always with Joey, was a godsend.
We finally had to bring Joey back home; he needed constant care and pain management. His wife needed to go back to Japan to be with their two children for a while (another blog at another time). We drove back and forth from Johns Hopkins hospital and home. Needless to say 10 very short months later at the very young age of 26 our oldest son lost his battle with cancer.
Our youngest son Brian moved out just over a year ago to Nebraska, so incredibly proud of the young man he has become. He has been able to grow in mind, body, soul and spirit. Of course we miss him terribly, but just imagining how much he has gone through and his determined spirit is uplifting for us.
So, now I’m back to what to do in regards to this house that we are now living in together. Notice I didn’t say home, it just doesn’t feel like my home any more. Yes, I can still picture all the Christmas presents under the tree and who is going to open the first gift that Santa gave them. I still have those memories and many, many more. When the sadder memories are more prominent in your mind do you stay in the house and hope with all your heart that it will once again become your home?
I’m on the edge here, not sure what my next move is and what it should be. We have lost a part of our hearts and are trying to heal and keep each other together. Family and friends have helped us so much; that we can’t even began to express our heartfelt thanks.
Lately our sorrow is engulfing our memories more and more or maybe it just seems that way to me. Either way we are still trying to figure out the next thing to do, the right thing to do. I’m hoping that over time we will be able to figure out what will be best for us.