Happy Birthday B,
23 Years old today. I can't believe it. Your such a sweet man, yes man. Where in the world did the time go.
I remember having to leave you at the hospital, you were so jaundiced. Blue lights on your little body, 5lbs 13Oz's 16in long. Your were so tiny, and of course you didn't want to eat at all. All you wanted to do was sleep (some things never change) ;)
You always had the gift of gab, even at an early age. I loved to hear you try and talk yourself out trouble. You always tried very hard, and sometimes you succeeded in wearing me down. Your middle name should have been stubborn, because you sure were and still are even after 23 years.
Your independence amazed me, your favorite thing to say to me was "I can do it myself" no matter what it was. You were usually able to pull it off, your tenacity and love of life is still there, just changed slightly.
Your humour and quick wit, where in hell did it come from. I love seeing the sparkle in your brown eyes, just before your going to start something. Your infectious laugh when something strikes you funny.
Your face the first time that you saw George, what a ball of fluff he was. Seeing you give him a big hug and of course go ewww when he has drool hanging off his jowls. (yuck)
You have been going through a rough patch, handling the death of you brother, standing my me and dad. You have been my rock and sounding board on many occasions. Sometimes, i think i overburdened you , talking about the care and handling of your brother's cancer. You have no idea how much you have been able to stabilize me, after talking to you on different subjects, i needed to rethink certain things. Putting your life on hold to care and help your brother, staying in San Diego and taking him to chemo. Dealing with the difficulties with your sister in law.
I really admire the person that you become. You need to go back to school now and get your life back on track, it's your time.
I just wanted to say Happy Birthday and tell you how proud of you I am.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Gremlins
There are Gremlins afoot in my household. Come on, I know it sounds crazy. But it's true. Things missing when you know that you put them right there on the counter, shoes not where you left them. I haven't seen them yet, but they are right around the door jam waiting to disrupt my already insane life.
I walked out of the room the other day to put something away and when I came back to the kitchen to finish my coffee i found the half full cup in the sink. Now, i know that I for one would never waste coffee. So tell me how in the world did the coffe cup get in the sink?
I used the vacuum cleaner yesterday and it worked just fine, when i turned it on today it spewed dust and dirt at me. Funny that it worked fine one day and the next it turned out to be the demon from hell. The dishes that I know I did before I went to bed are sitting in the sink again. NOPE, I'M NOT CRAZY, it's those little bastards hard at work.
I know that the little bastards are laughing their furry little asses off at the pranks that they pull. Like the other day, i put down an important letter, right on the table so that i could put it in my pocket book and answer it the next morning. Can someone please tell me how it got on top of the refrigerator? I don"t put things up that high because i really can't see them up there.
I can tell that they re out there just waiting with their toothy grins for me to put something down or away. Then bam off they go with it. Sometimes i even think they follow me to work to have a really good time. CRASH goes the computer that work like a charm, now it's memory is fried.
When and if i ever see those little bastards I'll squash them into the fur balls that they are. I also know that I'm not the only one out there that has Gremlins. Just think about it the next time you say that you misplaced something, i bet that you really didn't misplace it at all.
I walked out of the room the other day to put something away and when I came back to the kitchen to finish my coffee i found the half full cup in the sink. Now, i know that I for one would never waste coffee. So tell me how in the world did the coffe cup get in the sink?
I used the vacuum cleaner yesterday and it worked just fine, when i turned it on today it spewed dust and dirt at me. Funny that it worked fine one day and the next it turned out to be the demon from hell. The dishes that I know I did before I went to bed are sitting in the sink again. NOPE, I'M NOT CRAZY, it's those little bastards hard at work.
I know that the little bastards are laughing their furry little asses off at the pranks that they pull. Like the other day, i put down an important letter, right on the table so that i could put it in my pocket book and answer it the next morning. Can someone please tell me how it got on top of the refrigerator? I don"t put things up that high because i really can't see them up there.
I can tell that they re out there just waiting with their toothy grins for me to put something down or away. Then bam off they go with it. Sometimes i even think they follow me to work to have a really good time. CRASH goes the computer that work like a charm, now it's memory is fried.
When and if i ever see those little bastards I'll squash them into the fur balls that they are. I also know that I'm not the only one out there that has Gremlins. Just think about it the next time you say that you misplaced something, i bet that you really didn't misplace it at all.
Friday, May 8, 2009
no time
I always have things to say, just not the time to say it or blog it. It seems that there just isn't enough time to sit down formulate the words that I need to write down.
There are many things happening in and around the Scan household. Sister's hubby going for serious surgery, trying to get B moving in the right direction (after all he'll be 23 this month). Of course many other things that just need to be done or looked into.
This weather hasn't been helping at all, just makes me want to curl up in a chair and relax or read. Which of course there isn't time for that. I just need a little more time in my day, a few extra minutes.
There are many things happening in and around the Scan household. Sister's hubby going for serious surgery, trying to get B moving in the right direction (after all he'll be 23 this month). Of course many other things that just need to be done or looked into.
This weather hasn't been helping at all, just makes me want to curl up in a chair and relax or read. Which of course there isn't time for that. I just need a little more time in my day, a few extra minutes.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Dear Joey,
Dear Joey,
It's been 2 years this week, since you were diagnosed with bone cancer. I remember waiting in the hospital for you to come out of recovery. We were in California Naval hospital, with Miki and dad. What a whirlwind of two weeks. Testing, doctors appointments and arranging for chemo. I can see your expressions as you try to understand what is happening and why.
You hardly ever complained about your pain, which I knew you had a considerable amount. Talking to the doctors during the first few weeks, what a great outlook they had for you. Your tumor was about the size of an apricot, on you pelvic bone. I remember leaving California knowing you were going to start treatments. I wanted to be there for you, I know that you had your wife there. As a mom i desperately wanted to be with you. Talking to you daily on the phone wasn't enough for me. I came back after you lost all your hair, you still were a cutie.
Staying with you after Miki went back to California was hard for me. It was I guess you could say bittersweet. I was mad as hell at Miki for leaving you when you were sick. You were fine with it, and now I understand why. Your love for Miki was great, she was and still is the love of your life, and I KNOW that she feels the same way.
Chemo was hard on you, you were sick often. But, i remember the whirlpool. It made the pain tolerable and you would sit and be able to relax for awhile. Go back again for more chemo, getting sick all over again. The talk of them removing you leg, hemi-pelvictomy. You wouldn't hear of it. The second spot appeared on you sacrum, very small but still there none the less.
The month of August was here and you only had 2 more chemo treatments left. You needed to be closer to home. I needed help taking care of you (I never wanted to admit that). Home and back and forth to Bethesda naval hospital, not very fond of that place. We went to Walter Reed Army hospital after your chemo was done. We needed to talk to the surgeon and find out what was the best treatment for you. I can only say how stunned i was when the doctor so callously informed us that there wasn't anything he could do for you. What the fuck kind of doctor says that then leaves the room. The only good thing that bastard did for us was to refer us to Johns Hopkins.
Again more doctors, but at least they had a plan. A trial treatment that might work, MIGHT WORK! A bone scan revealed additional tumors in the breast bone, only a spot. Osteosarcoma is a bitch to treat, especially where you had it. Can't remove the tumor because of the pelvic bone, possible to remove the pelvic bone and replace it with a cadavers bone. That turned out not to be an option because of the tumor on the sacrum.
Your in so much pain now, I'm dying inside to try and help. Back in the hospital again, pain management help. Operation to install a pain pump that looks like a hockey puck, high doses of meds for the pain. In and out of the hospitals and only once did you ever ask why me, I always try to help everyone, i try to be good. We have cried together many times, me, you and dad. It was hard to keep it together on occasions.
Your last MRI which they had to put you out for was not good. Additional tumors the doctors came back to say, 11 more throughout you body. My heart dropped, the size of the original tumor multiplied dramatically. It was huge, you are now bedridden. In constant pain trying hard not to show it. We now have 2 pain pumps going at the same time, nurses in and out, blood work being done weekly. I'm not even going to comment on the time you had to much calcium in your blood and the loss of memory.
Several platelet transfusions, New Years eve was the worst. Mid way through January back at the hospital again. Your left lung was collapsed, filled with tumors. The doctors didn't want me to do any thing at that point. I needed you to be able to see you wife and kids one last time. You rallied for such a short time. I needed to bring you home for your sake and mine. Yes, I made the decision not for you to have another surgery which you might not have made it through. No, I didn't ask anyone elses opinion on rather or not it was the right decision. It was mine alone, right or wrong. You had the last two weeks with your wife and kids, so i believe that I made the right decision.
You passed quietly, as we sat around your bedside holding your hand. I love you so much and miss you. You are never far from my heart, mind or soul. Hopefully this letter finds you free of pain. I know that you are watching over you beautiful children and your wife. Dad and I talk to you often, hopefully you can hear us. Your brother also has you on his mind, you need to give him a kick in the ass though.
I know that i have left out alot of things that you went through in this letter, I just touched on some of the more important things.
May you be watched over and be pain free in your after life. Say hi to Pop-Pop and both Grandma's, Michael and Mike. No cheating in poker with Michael. When I sit outside and have a cigarette I'm having one with you.
Hope the mail service there is good........
Love and kisses my son
Mom
It's been 2 years this week, since you were diagnosed with bone cancer. I remember waiting in the hospital for you to come out of recovery. We were in California Naval hospital, with Miki and dad. What a whirlwind of two weeks. Testing, doctors appointments and arranging for chemo. I can see your expressions as you try to understand what is happening and why.
You hardly ever complained about your pain, which I knew you had a considerable amount. Talking to the doctors during the first few weeks, what a great outlook they had for you. Your tumor was about the size of an apricot, on you pelvic bone. I remember leaving California knowing you were going to start treatments. I wanted to be there for you, I know that you had your wife there. As a mom i desperately wanted to be with you. Talking to you daily on the phone wasn't enough for me. I came back after you lost all your hair, you still were a cutie.
Staying with you after Miki went back to California was hard for me. It was I guess you could say bittersweet. I was mad as hell at Miki for leaving you when you were sick. You were fine with it, and now I understand why. Your love for Miki was great, she was and still is the love of your life, and I KNOW that she feels the same way.
Chemo was hard on you, you were sick often. But, i remember the whirlpool. It made the pain tolerable and you would sit and be able to relax for awhile. Go back again for more chemo, getting sick all over again. The talk of them removing you leg, hemi-pelvictomy. You wouldn't hear of it. The second spot appeared on you sacrum, very small but still there none the less.
The month of August was here and you only had 2 more chemo treatments left. You needed to be closer to home. I needed help taking care of you (I never wanted to admit that). Home and back and forth to Bethesda naval hospital, not very fond of that place. We went to Walter Reed Army hospital after your chemo was done. We needed to talk to the surgeon and find out what was the best treatment for you. I can only say how stunned i was when the doctor so callously informed us that there wasn't anything he could do for you. What the fuck kind of doctor says that then leaves the room. The only good thing that bastard did for us was to refer us to Johns Hopkins.
Again more doctors, but at least they had a plan. A trial treatment that might work, MIGHT WORK! A bone scan revealed additional tumors in the breast bone, only a spot. Osteosarcoma is a bitch to treat, especially where you had it. Can't remove the tumor because of the pelvic bone, possible to remove the pelvic bone and replace it with a cadavers bone. That turned out not to be an option because of the tumor on the sacrum.
Your in so much pain now, I'm dying inside to try and help. Back in the hospital again, pain management help. Operation to install a pain pump that looks like a hockey puck, high doses of meds for the pain. In and out of the hospitals and only once did you ever ask why me, I always try to help everyone, i try to be good. We have cried together many times, me, you and dad. It was hard to keep it together on occasions.
Your last MRI which they had to put you out for was not good. Additional tumors the doctors came back to say, 11 more throughout you body. My heart dropped, the size of the original tumor multiplied dramatically. It was huge, you are now bedridden. In constant pain trying hard not to show it. We now have 2 pain pumps going at the same time, nurses in and out, blood work being done weekly. I'm not even going to comment on the time you had to much calcium in your blood and the loss of memory.
Several platelet transfusions, New Years eve was the worst. Mid way through January back at the hospital again. Your left lung was collapsed, filled with tumors. The doctors didn't want me to do any thing at that point. I needed you to be able to see you wife and kids one last time. You rallied for such a short time. I needed to bring you home for your sake and mine. Yes, I made the decision not for you to have another surgery which you might not have made it through. No, I didn't ask anyone elses opinion on rather or not it was the right decision. It was mine alone, right or wrong. You had the last two weeks with your wife and kids, so i believe that I made the right decision.
You passed quietly, as we sat around your bedside holding your hand. I love you so much and miss you. You are never far from my heart, mind or soul. Hopefully this letter finds you free of pain. I know that you are watching over you beautiful children and your wife. Dad and I talk to you often, hopefully you can hear us. Your brother also has you on his mind, you need to give him a kick in the ass though.
I know that i have left out alot of things that you went through in this letter, I just touched on some of the more important things.
May you be watched over and be pain free in your after life. Say hi to Pop-Pop and both Grandma's, Michael and Mike. No cheating in poker with Michael. When I sit outside and have a cigarette I'm having one with you.
Hope the mail service there is good........
Love and kisses my son
Mom
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Congrats
I need to voice my congrats to my local family politician. My sister won a seat on the Board of Education. I cannot express how proud i am of her. What a great job. She is a wife, a wonderful, thoughtful mom and my best friend. She juggles her life with grace and dignity.
She amazes me routinely. I love talking to her, her insight into life and opinions. We don't always agree on everything (but what sisters do). I respect her opinions and value her friendship. Without her I might be one of those people sitting in the corner drooling.
She has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. Kept me sane and functioning. I'm not sure if i ever took the time to tell her how much she has meant to me, my hubby or my son. I love the relationship that she has with her kids and her husband.
Of course growing up with a little sister isn't always easy. She would always "touch my stuff" how irritating that used to be. She even stole my Nora Roberts books (thief). Babysitting wasn't something that i looked forward too. Here was this exotic looking little person, olive toned skin, straight dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes (with eyelashes that you could actually see). Me, i had very curly frizzy reddish hair, freckled complexion, the complete opposite.
Her favorite thing to say to get me annoyed was "i can do that better than you can". Drove me crazy, so of course i needed to prove her wrong. But, remember that i can say anything to her, but NOBODY better say anything bad about my sister. Hey i was the older sister after all.
As we grew older, and dealt with the sickness of our parents, dealing with a daughter in law and the death of my oldest son. Her compassion, insight and the fact that she just let me vent was just what i needed. So here's to you sis, hats off, and good luck.
I love you and respect you. Just remember that I'm always here if you need anything at all.
The baby in the family, spoiled rotten (still is)! She has grown into a beautiful person, mind, body and soul.
She amazes me routinely. I love talking to her, her insight into life and opinions. We don't always agree on everything (but what sisters do). I respect her opinions and value her friendship. Without her I might be one of those people sitting in the corner drooling.
She has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. Kept me sane and functioning. I'm not sure if i ever took the time to tell her how much she has meant to me, my hubby or my son. I love the relationship that she has with her kids and her husband.
Of course growing up with a little sister isn't always easy. She would always "touch my stuff" how irritating that used to be. She even stole my Nora Roberts books (thief). Babysitting wasn't something that i looked forward too. Here was this exotic looking little person, olive toned skin, straight dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes (with eyelashes that you could actually see). Me, i had very curly frizzy reddish hair, freckled complexion, the complete opposite.
Her favorite thing to say to get me annoyed was "i can do that better than you can". Drove me crazy, so of course i needed to prove her wrong. But, remember that i can say anything to her, but NOBODY better say anything bad about my sister. Hey i was the older sister after all.
As we grew older, and dealt with the sickness of our parents, dealing with a daughter in law and the death of my oldest son. Her compassion, insight and the fact that she just let me vent was just what i needed. So here's to you sis, hats off, and good luck.
I love you and respect you. Just remember that I'm always here if you need anything at all.
The baby in the family, spoiled rotten (still is)! She has grown into a beautiful person, mind, body and soul.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Scammed Part 2
Okay, so I wrote about being scammed. I decided to vent my anger by writing to the so called publishing company and Cc-ing their attorney, also the Post Master General. I used words like false advertising, mail fraud, Federal offense, scamming innocent people. You get the messages.
I received a letter back the other day from the publishing company assuring me that they are a legit company. Breaking down dates as to when the "winnners" will be announced, when thir book will be published and so on (no mention of why i put a stop paymenton my check). Hoping that they have answered all my questions and alievated my fears. Of course there was a ps at the bottom of the letter telling me how much they really liked my poem. That it touched them deeply.
I really have to give it to them, i'm waiting for my list of winners. I really guess it's going to be a wait and see situation. I waiting ti see if i'll hear anything from the Post Master general or their attorneys. I really don't think i will, but rest assured this isn't over yet.
I received a letter back the other day from the publishing company assuring me that they are a legit company. Breaking down dates as to when the "winnners" will be announced, when thir book will be published and so on (no mention of why i put a stop paymenton my check). Hoping that they have answered all my questions and alievated my fears. Of course there was a ps at the bottom of the letter telling me how much they really liked my poem. That it touched them deeply.
I really have to give it to them, i'm waiting for my list of winners. I really guess it's going to be a wait and see situation. I waiting ti see if i'll hear anything from the Post Master general or their attorneys. I really don't think i will, but rest assured this isn't over yet.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'm tired of.....
Being tired when I wake up in the morning.
being exhausted at night.
being told that fatique is a form of depression.
being semi brain dead
not being able to control situations that are out of my control (confusing? be in my shoes)
having no energy to get things done.
waking up and saying i'm going to do this, that and the other thing and doing nothing.
being heart heavy.
asking WHY!
trying to explain myself when the words just won't come.
getting angry in a split second for no apparent reason.
not caring about the many things that I should.
being exhausted at night.
being told that fatique is a form of depression.
being semi brain dead
not being able to control situations that are out of my control (confusing? be in my shoes)
having no energy to get things done.
waking up and saying i'm going to do this, that and the other thing and doing nothing.
being heart heavy.
asking WHY!
trying to explain myself when the words just won't come.
getting angry in a split second for no apparent reason.
not caring about the many things that I should.
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