Snarky

snarky (ˈsnɒːkɪ)
— adj , snarkier , snarkiest
informal unpleasant and scornful

Don't you just love this word? Even saying it can put a smile on your face. What's really funny is if you say to someone "no need to be so snarky" and a look of total bafflement comes over their face. You just know that as soon as they can they'll be on the computer looking up the meaning of the word.

Snarky is my word of the day.

dreams

Your face was so solemn, your eyes so incredibly sad. You stood so tall and erect, my heart ached just to be seeing you. Your daughter was standing next to me and your eyes just devoured the sight of her. You couldn't take your eyes off of her. So, so sad was your expression, i couldn't seem to get that out of my mind. I reached out to hug you, you were just out of my reach. I smiled at you and you cried. My heart broke into a million pieces. I'm not sure that I can mend myself again.

Listen

Listen can you hear it? This is goes, very faint tones. It soothes me as the melody reaches my heart. So faint, so very beautiful as the breeze blows very gently against the chimes. It echoes through my soul, a deep tone as it carriers on the breeze.

It took me awhile to find just the right spot to hang my wind chimes. If I hung them in the back I would only be able to hear them at night. So, I ended up hanging them on the front porch, this way I hear them early in the morning, at night when i'm watching TV. I pass them every time I go in and out of the house, puts a smile on my face.

It's funny how sometimes the chimes can echo your moods, soft melodies when your having a good day and deep resonating tones when your angry. I love my wind chimes and I love the person that gave them to me. Thank you so much for my wind chimes. As soon as figure out how to post a picture i'll put one up of my chimes.

missing you

Why don't you come and visit me in my dreams? I'm aching for you. I need to know that your doing alright. I need to know that you still love me, my heart knows but my head doesn't. Did I do everything that I should have done? It's been almost three years now that you have left us. Do I have guilt, yes I do. I know that I shouldn't, but I really do. Your on my mind everyday, what you had to endure. The pain that you were in towards the end of young life. You shouldn't have had to deal with that, so young, so much purpose left to your life. A family, children and a career that you loved. I haven't been able to come to terms that your gone from my life.

I would have traded my life for yours in a heartbeat, i would have changed places with you without any questions asked. I remember that Dad said something like to you and you freaked out. It wasn't meant to upset you, it was said from the heart because it hurt so much to know what you were going through.

I always ask the same question of myself, did I do everything I could? Should I have taken you elsewhere? What else could I have done for you? I guess this happens because you really don't know the answers to those questions. Your heart and your head are in constant disagreement with each other about the answers.

I love you and miss you with all of my heart.

tick, tick, tick

A lesson in anatomy:

Adenoma
Hepatic adenomas are benign solid neoplasms of the liver. They are most commonly seen in young woman, and are typically solitary, although multiple adenomas also can occur. Prior or current use of estrogen (oral contraceptives) is a clear risk factor for development of a liver adenoma, although they can occur even in the absence of oral contraceptive use. Hepatic adenomas carry a significant risk of spontaneous rupture with intraperitoneal bleeding. Further, there is a risk of malignant transformation to a well-differentiated HCC. Therefore, it is usually recommended that a hepatic adenoma be surgically removed.

Okay, so I found out that I am totally a control freak. I hate the fact that there isn't anything I can do about this. I have multiple adenoma's on my liver, why you say. I took hormone therapy to stop being so incredibly bitchy, and of course I also was on oral contraceptives for a few years. Maybe. I should have been the bitch supreme, hmm I just might still qualify for that.

Trying to find out if there was something that could help either reduced the size of the adenoma's or get rid of them totally didn't really work out in my favor. It seems that there really isn't anything that I can do. I asked about diets, chemo (not really a cancer) basically told no, not really. We'll have to wait and watch them on a regular basis (tick, tick, tick). I really do feel right now like ticking tomb bomb. I know that they can erupt spontaneously. This is not the area of my life that i want spontaneousness. I want normal everyday routine and liver functions, that's not asking for too much is it?

Mixed Emotions

Picked my daughter in law up from the airport the other day. I have not been looking forward to her return trip, not so much because of her, but the feelings that are bound to come around. Harder than I thought it was going to be, the images that just popped into my head.. It's been almost three years now since my son passed away from cancer, having my daughter in law come back to the house after two years brought everything back in a rush. We picked her up from the airport and drove back to the house. As I opened the door I could see my son in the hospital bed with a huge smile on his face. She was his life, he loved her with his heart and soul.

There have been many, many conflicts with my daughter in law. Even more than she'll ever know. I HAVE to be nice, I have two grandchildren that live in Japan. I would like to see them some time in the future.

After a week of her being here, it was time for her to go. I needed an emotional rest, no more heartache. It was extremely exhausting emotionally, I hit an all time low. It's now time to relax and regenerate my brain cells. I'm just so tired.

missed blogging

Okay, it's been awhile since i've came back to my page. I have much to say but, can't seem to write it down. This is just going to be a start, i'll make sure that i can actually write things down again. I figured that once i open a new post maybe things will start to flow, perculate, brew. Notice the reference to coffee? Seems to be telling me something. More coffee is needed.

I owe it to myself to come back and visit for awhile!!!!!!