I always hear I'll do that tomorrow, or I'll have more time tomorrow. In my opinion tomorrow is just another day. It doesn't change that fact that we still have to work tomorrow. Doesn't change that overwhelming feeling, the only thing that changes is the date, or the time.
You won't have more time tomorrow, you'll still only have 24 hours. No more or less, so you see tomorrow will still be the same as today. The weather may change and the seasons, but tomorrow will still come and will be the same as today.
Holidays will come and go, anniversaries, birthdays too. The word tomorrow doesn't change the way I feel or my attitude, nor does the changing of the day. Tomorrow will come and will be the same as today.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Another day
Here it is September 17th again, you would have been 27. 27 years old with the world in front of you and your family behind you. Instead I sit here writing this because cancer took you away at such a young age. I wanted to post a heartfelt blog to you and your memories, but I find that i;m not able to do that right now. I'm just going to hold my memories to myself and remember your smile.
Just know that I'm thinking about you daily and love and miss you always.
Just know that I'm thinking about you daily and love and miss you always.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Bored
This is what happens when your bored and annoyed. I can't tolerate the fact that bras just don't fit the way they should. So this is a letter that I posted and sent to Maidenform the other day. It made me and "the girls" feel better just sending it out.
August 17, 2009
Maidenform Customer Service
800 Technology Drive
Fayetteville, NC 28306
Dear Maidenform,
“The girls” just aren’t happy with the enclosed bra. We need to be nestled together, nipples pointing forward. This bra, however does not comply with the rules. The nipples DO NOT like to be facing out to each side with the inner breasts touching. Please understand that we are not small and perky breasts. You can see by the size on the bra that we need and must have support. There are only two (2) of us not four (4), this bra is trying to multiply and divide. Two extra globes resting on the top of the bra after being worn for a short time does not look good.
We are not looking for a refund, just some understanding. Larger breast have a tendency to droop, the right bra is very meaningful to us. Please help by keeping us nestled together, nipples pointing forward and having the right amount of underwire support.
We “the girls” thank you.
Sincerely, the owner of said girls
August 17, 2009
Maidenform Customer Service
800 Technology Drive
Fayetteville, NC 28306
Dear Maidenform,
“The girls” just aren’t happy with the enclosed bra. We need to be nestled together, nipples pointing forward. This bra, however does not comply with the rules. The nipples DO NOT like to be facing out to each side with the inner breasts touching. Please understand that we are not small and perky breasts. You can see by the size on the bra that we need and must have support. There are only two (2) of us not four (4), this bra is trying to multiply and divide. Two extra globes resting on the top of the bra after being worn for a short time does not look good.
We are not looking for a refund, just some understanding. Larger breast have a tendency to droop, the right bra is very meaningful to us. Please help by keeping us nestled together, nipples pointing forward and having the right amount of underwire support.
We “the girls” thank you.
Sincerely, the owner of said girls
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Shiney Sliver bag in the back of the closet
Shiney Sliver bag in the back of the closet.
There it sat undisturbed for many years, no looking at it, or rummaging around inside of it. The shiney silver bag in the back of the closet.
As I was looking for one of my shoes in the bottom of my closet the other, i spotted a shiney silver bag tucked way in the back. I couldn't figure out what I put into the bag. I wasn't going to look or even think about it. I would be late for work (again). It took me a few minutes of pulling out pockets books, shoes, wrapping paper, and other misc. items before I found the shoe I was looking for. I was trying to stuff everything back into my closet and I mean stuff, I had that thought what in the world is in that bag. I don't remember putting in my closet.
Resigned to the fact that I would be late to work again, i pulled everything out that i just stuffed back into my closet. Pulled the bag out and of course it ripped down the side. The first thing that came out was a miniture autographed hockey stick with about five names on it from the Washington Capitals. I remember when that happened, at a hockey tournament with the boys, they were playing at the same arena that the Capitols were practising at. I smiled as I thought about the awe in their eyes at seeing these players right there in front of them. "Hey dad did you get a look at the size of that guy" What a great memory.
OH my god look at these tiny little eye covers. B had jaunance so bad that he was under the blue lights for days. He weighed in a 5lbs, 13ozs, so tiny. His eyes needed to be covered under the lights. Rememering that I had to leave him in the hospital for two additional days. Could only go in and feed him, then back under the lights. Wow, things you almost forget.
Wrist bands for me and my 1st baby boy, i sat there and cried like a baby. Little bands that were around his foot. Okay maybe not too little. J weighed in at 9lbs, 12ozs. I just stroked them and remembered him as an infant.
My very first Mothers day card, or should I say Mother to be card. I can't believe it survived, but i'm very glad that it did.
Two measuring tapes, one for each boy from the hospital. It might have had the markings on it at on time. I remember asking the nurse for it right after they were measured. It was funny seeing the look on their faces, it just a measuring tape. I know that, but it just measured my son. I can't believe that I have both of them.
Two baggies, baby teeth wrapped in tissue. The same way we wrapped them and put them under their pillows for the tooth fairy. Yes, i did forget at least once to remove the tooth and leave money. I was albe to make the switch as they were looking under the bed, you know that tooth fairy might be very tired and left it under the bed!
I was wonderful to find all those memories, some were bittersweet. I really felt like I had a whole in my heart after looking at everything. I enjoyed my time with my memories and replaced everything minus the shiney silver bag.
There it sat undisturbed for many years, no looking at it, or rummaging around inside of it. The shiney silver bag in the back of the closet.
As I was looking for one of my shoes in the bottom of my closet the other, i spotted a shiney silver bag tucked way in the back. I couldn't figure out what I put into the bag. I wasn't going to look or even think about it. I would be late for work (again). It took me a few minutes of pulling out pockets books, shoes, wrapping paper, and other misc. items before I found the shoe I was looking for. I was trying to stuff everything back into my closet and I mean stuff, I had that thought what in the world is in that bag. I don't remember putting in my closet.
Resigned to the fact that I would be late to work again, i pulled everything out that i just stuffed back into my closet. Pulled the bag out and of course it ripped down the side. The first thing that came out was a miniture autographed hockey stick with about five names on it from the Washington Capitals. I remember when that happened, at a hockey tournament with the boys, they were playing at the same arena that the Capitols were practising at. I smiled as I thought about the awe in their eyes at seeing these players right there in front of them. "Hey dad did you get a look at the size of that guy" What a great memory.
OH my god look at these tiny little eye covers. B had jaunance so bad that he was under the blue lights for days. He weighed in a 5lbs, 13ozs, so tiny. His eyes needed to be covered under the lights. Rememering that I had to leave him in the hospital for two additional days. Could only go in and feed him, then back under the lights. Wow, things you almost forget.
Wrist bands for me and my 1st baby boy, i sat there and cried like a baby. Little bands that were around his foot. Okay maybe not too little. J weighed in at 9lbs, 12ozs. I just stroked them and remembered him as an infant.
My very first Mothers day card, or should I say Mother to be card. I can't believe it survived, but i'm very glad that it did.
Two measuring tapes, one for each boy from the hospital. It might have had the markings on it at on time. I remember asking the nurse for it right after they were measured. It was funny seeing the look on their faces, it just a measuring tape. I know that, but it just measured my son. I can't believe that I have both of them.
Two baggies, baby teeth wrapped in tissue. The same way we wrapped them and put them under their pillows for the tooth fairy. Yes, i did forget at least once to remove the tooth and leave money. I was albe to make the switch as they were looking under the bed, you know that tooth fairy might be very tired and left it under the bed!
I was wonderful to find all those memories, some were bittersweet. I really felt like I had a whole in my heart after looking at everything. I enjoyed my time with my memories and replaced everything minus the shiney silver bag.
Monday, July 20, 2009
Just awesome
Saturday was just a typical day of chores and trying to keep up with housework. Housework lost big time this weekend. Hubby and I went to Walmart to get the dog some treats, my phone rang and it's my sister. I love hearing from my sister, except now I worry because her hubby is having back surgery this Wednesday. I just get concerned, hoping all is good.
Hello I said, after a brief hi what's new and so on. Next question do you want to go see Paul McCartney in concert tonight? What was that? Let me ask hubby, of course the answer is YES. When does it start? 6:30 tonight and it's 3pm now. Have to get said tickets go home change and catch the train into the city, it's doable.
We made it to Citifield by 7:30pm and the opening act was still going strong. We didn't miss anything. So now Hubby is starving we haven't had anything to eat yet. There really isn't much to eat there beside sausages, hot dogs and hamburgers. Not really my kind of food, hubby got a hot dog and soda. I ended up with Nathan Fries and really wanted the cheese to go over them, but I resisted. (cruise next month).
Paul McCartney was excellent, he rocked Citifield. I was totally amazed, of course we didn't stay in our seats. We wandered down to the main level and stood behind the rail and had an awesome time. Tribute to Linda made everyone cry, he sang "My Love". A mention and songs to John Lennon and to George Harrison, it was wonderful. I can't believe how great he is. The stage show was great, the pyro-technics were excellent. He is a crowd pleaser. At one time is was talking about singing and looking at the signs in the audience, and how sometimes you end up singing what's on the sign.
On of the signs were "Paul marry me" his comments was NO thank you, not again. He interacted with the audience with pleasure and humor. I loved the faces he made and his references to his other concerts, especially when they first played in America and couldn't hear their own music over the girls screaming. Of course, how much he loved the girls screaming which starting the audience screaming.
The music was so good and so loud by the end your ears were ringing and your feet were still tapping. The next best part of the concert was people watching. All I can say is OH MY GOD, do people have magic mirrors or what. Does anyone look into a full length mirror? In a way I'm glad they don't, because i had a lot of entertaining moments.
The guard that stands in front of the steps to show you your lower levels seat was a lot of fun. He was in his mid sixties with white hair, slightly balding and a belly. He was singing away and swaying to the music, but let me tell you. He was really checking out the woman, laugh you ass of funny. As they would run up the stairs for either a beer run and bathroom break, he would be right there ogling. I mean I was dying. The guy had no problem looking, he really didn't care. He actually did the Groucho thing with his eyebrows a few times. Absolutely hilarious.
Some of these ladies (well maybe i shouldn't say ladies), but come on. If you can't contain your breasts in your sundress maybe you need a larger size. If your tank top ends up in your cleavage, it's time to retire it and get a larger size. There was enough silicone out there to float a cruise ship. I think silicone floats, based on the the bouncing boobs out there.
I had the best time, so thanks again Tracey and Brian. I love you much
Hello I said, after a brief hi what's new and so on. Next question do you want to go see Paul McCartney in concert tonight? What was that? Let me ask hubby, of course the answer is YES. When does it start? 6:30 tonight and it's 3pm now. Have to get said tickets go home change and catch the train into the city, it's doable.
We made it to Citifield by 7:30pm and the opening act was still going strong. We didn't miss anything. So now Hubby is starving we haven't had anything to eat yet. There really isn't much to eat there beside sausages, hot dogs and hamburgers. Not really my kind of food, hubby got a hot dog and soda. I ended up with Nathan Fries and really wanted the cheese to go over them, but I resisted. (cruise next month).
Paul McCartney was excellent, he rocked Citifield. I was totally amazed, of course we didn't stay in our seats. We wandered down to the main level and stood behind the rail and had an awesome time. Tribute to Linda made everyone cry, he sang "My Love". A mention and songs to John Lennon and to George Harrison, it was wonderful. I can't believe how great he is. The stage show was great, the pyro-technics were excellent. He is a crowd pleaser. At one time is was talking about singing and looking at the signs in the audience, and how sometimes you end up singing what's on the sign.
On of the signs were "Paul marry me" his comments was NO thank you, not again. He interacted with the audience with pleasure and humor. I loved the faces he made and his references to his other concerts, especially when they first played in America and couldn't hear their own music over the girls screaming. Of course, how much he loved the girls screaming which starting the audience screaming.
The music was so good and so loud by the end your ears were ringing and your feet were still tapping. The next best part of the concert was people watching. All I can say is OH MY GOD, do people have magic mirrors or what. Does anyone look into a full length mirror? In a way I'm glad they don't, because i had a lot of entertaining moments.
The guard that stands in front of the steps to show you your lower levels seat was a lot of fun. He was in his mid sixties with white hair, slightly balding and a belly. He was singing away and swaying to the music, but let me tell you. He was really checking out the woman, laugh you ass of funny. As they would run up the stairs for either a beer run and bathroom break, he would be right there ogling. I mean I was dying. The guy had no problem looking, he really didn't care. He actually did the Groucho thing with his eyebrows a few times. Absolutely hilarious.
Some of these ladies (well maybe i shouldn't say ladies), but come on. If you can't contain your breasts in your sundress maybe you need a larger size. If your tank top ends up in your cleavage, it's time to retire it and get a larger size. There was enough silicone out there to float a cruise ship. I think silicone floats, based on the the bouncing boobs out there.
I had the best time, so thanks again Tracey and Brian. I love you much
Friday, July 10, 2009
Not a personal preference
Okay people listen up, it's not personal preference to bathe or not too bathe. I'm down wind of you. Give me a fucking break. When your eyes start to water and you have to cover you mouth and nose with your short sleeves, something is seriously wrong. I know that there are medical conditions that cause some body orders and of course elderly do have some problems with hygiene (falling in the shower). Younger people should not smell so fowl.
At the store the other day i was behind or down wind of a person who seriously needed a hose down. Economy is not the blame for people showering, or even trying to wash with a face cloth. When your hair is matted, and your clothes need to be scraped before washing you have a problem. Okay, so I have heard all the common threads from depression, can't afford new clothes, homeless and ever thing else. Yes, i do sympathize with some of these people, but my nose and stomach can only take so much.
So, yes the person that gave you a dirty look and waved her hand in front of her face several times was ME. Was I rude DAMN STRAIGHT, I don't want to be behind you in a food store buying makings for dinner. Put down the candy and doughnuts and purchase a bar of SOAP, I'll even pay for it. I really don't care what you eat or how you dress, but when you put out that strong of an odor and I'm behind you, watch out for the rude comments. I don't care if I hurt your feelings, you are destroying my personal space, disrupting my air with your foul stench.
So please, be considerate of others that are around you. It only takes a very short amount of your precious time to wash, bathe, jump in the ocean, run through the sprinkler, or any thing else that will take away some of the decaying aroma that surrounds you..........
At the store the other day i was behind or down wind of a person who seriously needed a hose down. Economy is not the blame for people showering, or even trying to wash with a face cloth. When your hair is matted, and your clothes need to be scraped before washing you have a problem. Okay, so I have heard all the common threads from depression, can't afford new clothes, homeless and ever thing else. Yes, i do sympathize with some of these people, but my nose and stomach can only take so much.
So, yes the person that gave you a dirty look and waved her hand in front of her face several times was ME. Was I rude DAMN STRAIGHT, I don't want to be behind you in a food store buying makings for dinner. Put down the candy and doughnuts and purchase a bar of SOAP, I'll even pay for it. I really don't care what you eat or how you dress, but when you put out that strong of an odor and I'm behind you, watch out for the rude comments. I don't care if I hurt your feelings, you are destroying my personal space, disrupting my air with your foul stench.
So please, be considerate of others that are around you. It only takes a very short amount of your precious time to wash, bathe, jump in the ocean, run through the sprinkler, or any thing else that will take away some of the decaying aroma that surrounds you..........
Tuesday, July 7, 2009
UGH
I love my Hubby, I really do. It's just after three whole days together I need my space. It's different when we go away on vacation, but doing yard work and misc. clean up around the house. UGH is all I can say. By day three the snide remarks were getting louder and louder.
What was that look for my hubby asks, what look I ask back. He said the look that you just gave me when i asked you a question. Oh, you mean the question that I already answered three times! We put new porch rails up around the front porch. Of course we wouldn't need new porch rails if someone didn't have a temper tantrum and break one side off. Hmmm, I wonder who could have done that. It wasn't me that's for sure.
We had to lag in bolts to the cement porch, lag in bolts WTF. Drill four holes into the porch for the post (don't want anyone to fall off ) snicker, snicker. So hubby drills the holes and I tried, really I tried to tell him that hole #4 wasn't lining up. He gave me the look, and said it's fine. Okay, finished drilling and guess what THE FOURTH HOLE DOES NOT LINE UP!!!. Oh, it's okay we'll just lag in 3 and fill the other one. HUH! Isn't there a reason for four holes?
Then he gets a call from his boss. Road call, someone is broken down. So the porch is put on hold, thankfully. Than of course hubby asks "you feel like taking a ride"? Sure why not, I'll just grab a book and while he's busy I'll read. Off we go to Linden to repair a truck, he's repairing I'm chilling. He finishes up and than says, why did you talk to the truck driver, i didn't want anyone to know that you were in the truck. Okay let's go back to WTF, than why ask me to go for a ride????
Needless to say the porch rail is finished and looks great. Hubby is still living and I'm not in jail.
What was that look for my hubby asks, what look I ask back. He said the look that you just gave me when i asked you a question. Oh, you mean the question that I already answered three times! We put new porch rails up around the front porch. Of course we wouldn't need new porch rails if someone didn't have a temper tantrum and break one side off. Hmmm, I wonder who could have done that. It wasn't me that's for sure.
We had to lag in bolts to the cement porch, lag in bolts WTF. Drill four holes into the porch for the post (don't want anyone to fall off ) snicker, snicker. So hubby drills the holes and I tried, really I tried to tell him that hole #4 wasn't lining up. He gave me the look, and said it's fine. Okay, finished drilling and guess what THE FOURTH HOLE DOES NOT LINE UP!!!. Oh, it's okay we'll just lag in 3 and fill the other one. HUH! Isn't there a reason for four holes?
Then he gets a call from his boss. Road call, someone is broken down. So the porch is put on hold, thankfully. Than of course hubby asks "you feel like taking a ride"? Sure why not, I'll just grab a book and while he's busy I'll read. Off we go to Linden to repair a truck, he's repairing I'm chilling. He finishes up and than says, why did you talk to the truck driver, i didn't want anyone to know that you were in the truck. Okay let's go back to WTF, than why ask me to go for a ride????
Needless to say the porch rail is finished and looks great. Hubby is still living and I'm not in jail.
Saturday, June 27, 2009
Another day
Just another day
Mother's Day and Father's Day has come and gone. One less phone call, one less cheerful greeting of hey mom or hey dad. Even though you don't relize how much that call meant to you. Most of the time my son was out to sea during those day's, but there was always a call when he got home. Of course my daughter in law called, which was sweet.
My younger son made things easier, going out to breakfast with us. Flowers for mother's day gift certificate for Father's day. He is just so sweet (but, don't tell him i said that). Keeping busy and your mind occupied is helpful. My hubby can't sit still, actually never has been able to. Since our son passed away it has been worse. Of course I understand this, sitting home and glancing over to the corner of the living room and you get flashbacks and picture a hospital bed in the corner. No matter what you do to change the room it still there. I guess it always will be.
You can change the color of the room and the carpeting, but it doesn't change the past. We have tried to make the room look different, which it does. It just change the fact that this is where he was and passed away.
You'll b sitting there reading and watching TV and suddenly you'll just glance at that area and almost just almost see him in the hospital bed. Flashbacks suck, you can relive an entire portion of life in just a few seconds. I shouldn't say that all flashback are bad there are a few that actually make you smile.
Remebering the good times are the best apart, which is the only way to continue.
Mother's Day and Father's Day has come and gone. One less phone call, one less cheerful greeting of hey mom or hey dad. Even though you don't relize how much that call meant to you. Most of the time my son was out to sea during those day's, but there was always a call when he got home. Of course my daughter in law called, which was sweet.
My younger son made things easier, going out to breakfast with us. Flowers for mother's day gift certificate for Father's day. He is just so sweet (but, don't tell him i said that). Keeping busy and your mind occupied is helpful. My hubby can't sit still, actually never has been able to. Since our son passed away it has been worse. Of course I understand this, sitting home and glancing over to the corner of the living room and you get flashbacks and picture a hospital bed in the corner. No matter what you do to change the room it still there. I guess it always will be.
You can change the color of the room and the carpeting, but it doesn't change the past. We have tried to make the room look different, which it does. It just change the fact that this is where he was and passed away.
You'll b sitting there reading and watching TV and suddenly you'll just glance at that area and almost just almost see him in the hospital bed. Flashbacks suck, you can relive an entire portion of life in just a few seconds. I shouldn't say that all flashback are bad there are a few that actually make you smile.
Remebering the good times are the best apart, which is the only way to continue.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
Still not smoking
So far, so good. May 31st at 9:30pm was my last cigarette. I can truthfully say that I kicked the habit. With the cost of cigarettes going up, I'm glad that I don't need to put out the money on useless things. Shoes for example are much more important! Of course, now I need to watch out for weight gain. If anything will piss me off is gaining weight.
I need to lose a few (quite a few) pounds. Going on a cruise late August, i want to wear shorts. I'm not even going to think about a bathing suit (shudder, horror). Of course the urge for chocolate is greater than the urge for cigarettes. Clean lungs and wide hips, hm mm. What a dilemma.
Time to start taking my dog for a walk in the mornings. Get motivated and start moving. Sounds really good, doesn't it?
I need to lose a few (quite a few) pounds. Going on a cruise late August, i want to wear shorts. I'm not even going to think about a bathing suit (shudder, horror). Of course the urge for chocolate is greater than the urge for cigarettes. Clean lungs and wide hips, hm mm. What a dilemma.
Time to start taking my dog for a walk in the mornings. Get motivated and start moving. Sounds really good, doesn't it?
Monday, June 1, 2009
Not Smoking
I'm going to try and quit. I can't stand parting with almost $10 for a pack of cigarettes. It has now been 19 hours since my last cigarette. We shall see how long it lasts. I have high hopes, this was not a planned happening. I just don't like coughing so much in the morning.
I figured that if i can get through the first day the second will be easier. (Fingers crossed). The mornings are the worst however, with the forst cup of coffee. Okay don't think about it.
I figured that if i can get through the first day the second will be easier. (Fingers crossed). The mornings are the worst however, with the forst cup of coffee. Okay don't think about it.
What the Fuck
What the Fuck is going on here.
Okay Ladies, I went to the store to purchase some new bras. The one's I have are actually a little old. I really hate adjusting and fixing the bra straps, bending over to make sure that you fit properly into the cup. Looking down a few times and much to my horror, i was looking at four boobs. What was going on here, there were only two of them this morning.
Looking for new bras is a chore, I like the full cup but I like them to be a little sexy with bright colors. That's a challenge, I asked the very nice sales lady to measure me. Excuse me, what did you just say????? No fucking way, that's my mothers size bra. You must be mistaken, please remeasure me. Of course she proceeded to give me the look, you know the one that's says your insane and I'll proceed very quietly so that i don't startle you.
Okay I know that I have gained a few pounds over the years, who hasn't? I'll never be a size 2 again, (wedding gown size). Stress is a huge factor and of course my love of CHOCOLATE and SWEETS. But, i was actually floored in regards to bust size, I'm not overly plump, chunky is a pleasant word to use. But, holy mother my bust should, let me repeat, should not be this size.
I tried on the bras to prove to the sales clerk that was keeping an eye me, due to the waving of my hands and the mumbling and cursing. WRONG. So I have to admit that the sales clerk was right, the bras fit perfectly. Now, this didn't make me feel any better.
As i came out of the store my hubby was hanging out waiting for me, what's wrong was the question as he looked at my face. I mumbled something about the size of my bra, WOW Really he said with a huge grin on his face!!!! GO FIGURE.......
Okay Ladies, I went to the store to purchase some new bras. The one's I have are actually a little old. I really hate adjusting and fixing the bra straps, bending over to make sure that you fit properly into the cup. Looking down a few times and much to my horror, i was looking at four boobs. What was going on here, there were only two of them this morning.
Looking for new bras is a chore, I like the full cup but I like them to be a little sexy with bright colors. That's a challenge, I asked the very nice sales lady to measure me. Excuse me, what did you just say????? No fucking way, that's my mothers size bra. You must be mistaken, please remeasure me. Of course she proceeded to give me the look, you know the one that's says your insane and I'll proceed very quietly so that i don't startle you.
Okay I know that I have gained a few pounds over the years, who hasn't? I'll never be a size 2 again, (wedding gown size). Stress is a huge factor and of course my love of CHOCOLATE and SWEETS. But, i was actually floored in regards to bust size, I'm not overly plump, chunky is a pleasant word to use. But, holy mother my bust should, let me repeat, should not be this size.
I tried on the bras to prove to the sales clerk that was keeping an eye me, due to the waving of my hands and the mumbling and cursing. WRONG. So I have to admit that the sales clerk was right, the bras fit perfectly. Now, this didn't make me feel any better.
As i came out of the store my hubby was hanging out waiting for me, what's wrong was the question as he looked at my face. I mumbled something about the size of my bra, WOW Really he said with a huge grin on his face!!!! GO FIGURE.......
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Happy Birthday B
Happy Birthday B,
23 Years old today. I can't believe it. Your such a sweet man, yes man. Where in the world did the time go.
I remember having to leave you at the hospital, you were so jaundiced. Blue lights on your little body, 5lbs 13Oz's 16in long. Your were so tiny, and of course you didn't want to eat at all. All you wanted to do was sleep (some things never change) ;)
You always had the gift of gab, even at an early age. I loved to hear you try and talk yourself out trouble. You always tried very hard, and sometimes you succeeded in wearing me down. Your middle name should have been stubborn, because you sure were and still are even after 23 years.
Your independence amazed me, your favorite thing to say to me was "I can do it myself" no matter what it was. You were usually able to pull it off, your tenacity and love of life is still there, just changed slightly.
Your humour and quick wit, where in hell did it come from. I love seeing the sparkle in your brown eyes, just before your going to start something. Your infectious laugh when something strikes you funny.
Your face the first time that you saw George, what a ball of fluff he was. Seeing you give him a big hug and of course go ewww when he has drool hanging off his jowls. (yuck)
You have been going through a rough patch, handling the death of you brother, standing my me and dad. You have been my rock and sounding board on many occasions. Sometimes, i think i overburdened you , talking about the care and handling of your brother's cancer. You have no idea how much you have been able to stabilize me, after talking to you on different subjects, i needed to rethink certain things. Putting your life on hold to care and help your brother, staying in San Diego and taking him to chemo. Dealing with the difficulties with your sister in law.
I really admire the person that you become. You need to go back to school now and get your life back on track, it's your time.
I just wanted to say Happy Birthday and tell you how proud of you I am.
23 Years old today. I can't believe it. Your such a sweet man, yes man. Where in the world did the time go.
I remember having to leave you at the hospital, you were so jaundiced. Blue lights on your little body, 5lbs 13Oz's 16in long. Your were so tiny, and of course you didn't want to eat at all. All you wanted to do was sleep (some things never change) ;)
You always had the gift of gab, even at an early age. I loved to hear you try and talk yourself out trouble. You always tried very hard, and sometimes you succeeded in wearing me down. Your middle name should have been stubborn, because you sure were and still are even after 23 years.
Your independence amazed me, your favorite thing to say to me was "I can do it myself" no matter what it was. You were usually able to pull it off, your tenacity and love of life is still there, just changed slightly.
Your humour and quick wit, where in hell did it come from. I love seeing the sparkle in your brown eyes, just before your going to start something. Your infectious laugh when something strikes you funny.
Your face the first time that you saw George, what a ball of fluff he was. Seeing you give him a big hug and of course go ewww when he has drool hanging off his jowls. (yuck)
You have been going through a rough patch, handling the death of you brother, standing my me and dad. You have been my rock and sounding board on many occasions. Sometimes, i think i overburdened you , talking about the care and handling of your brother's cancer. You have no idea how much you have been able to stabilize me, after talking to you on different subjects, i needed to rethink certain things. Putting your life on hold to care and help your brother, staying in San Diego and taking him to chemo. Dealing with the difficulties with your sister in law.
I really admire the person that you become. You need to go back to school now and get your life back on track, it's your time.
I just wanted to say Happy Birthday and tell you how proud of you I am.
Tuesday, May 12, 2009
Gremlins
There are Gremlins afoot in my household. Come on, I know it sounds crazy. But it's true. Things missing when you know that you put them right there on the counter, shoes not where you left them. I haven't seen them yet, but they are right around the door jam waiting to disrupt my already insane life.
I walked out of the room the other day to put something away and when I came back to the kitchen to finish my coffee i found the half full cup in the sink. Now, i know that I for one would never waste coffee. So tell me how in the world did the coffe cup get in the sink?
I used the vacuum cleaner yesterday and it worked just fine, when i turned it on today it spewed dust and dirt at me. Funny that it worked fine one day and the next it turned out to be the demon from hell. The dishes that I know I did before I went to bed are sitting in the sink again. NOPE, I'M NOT CRAZY, it's those little bastards hard at work.
I know that the little bastards are laughing their furry little asses off at the pranks that they pull. Like the other day, i put down an important letter, right on the table so that i could put it in my pocket book and answer it the next morning. Can someone please tell me how it got on top of the refrigerator? I don"t put things up that high because i really can't see them up there.
I can tell that they re out there just waiting with their toothy grins for me to put something down or away. Then bam off they go with it. Sometimes i even think they follow me to work to have a really good time. CRASH goes the computer that work like a charm, now it's memory is fried.
When and if i ever see those little bastards I'll squash them into the fur balls that they are. I also know that I'm not the only one out there that has Gremlins. Just think about it the next time you say that you misplaced something, i bet that you really didn't misplace it at all.
I walked out of the room the other day to put something away and when I came back to the kitchen to finish my coffee i found the half full cup in the sink. Now, i know that I for one would never waste coffee. So tell me how in the world did the coffe cup get in the sink?
I used the vacuum cleaner yesterday and it worked just fine, when i turned it on today it spewed dust and dirt at me. Funny that it worked fine one day and the next it turned out to be the demon from hell. The dishes that I know I did before I went to bed are sitting in the sink again. NOPE, I'M NOT CRAZY, it's those little bastards hard at work.
I know that the little bastards are laughing their furry little asses off at the pranks that they pull. Like the other day, i put down an important letter, right on the table so that i could put it in my pocket book and answer it the next morning. Can someone please tell me how it got on top of the refrigerator? I don"t put things up that high because i really can't see them up there.
I can tell that they re out there just waiting with their toothy grins for me to put something down or away. Then bam off they go with it. Sometimes i even think they follow me to work to have a really good time. CRASH goes the computer that work like a charm, now it's memory is fried.
When and if i ever see those little bastards I'll squash them into the fur balls that they are. I also know that I'm not the only one out there that has Gremlins. Just think about it the next time you say that you misplaced something, i bet that you really didn't misplace it at all.
Friday, May 8, 2009
no time
I always have things to say, just not the time to say it or blog it. It seems that there just isn't enough time to sit down formulate the words that I need to write down.
There are many things happening in and around the Scan household. Sister's hubby going for serious surgery, trying to get B moving in the right direction (after all he'll be 23 this month). Of course many other things that just need to be done or looked into.
This weather hasn't been helping at all, just makes me want to curl up in a chair and relax or read. Which of course there isn't time for that. I just need a little more time in my day, a few extra minutes.
There are many things happening in and around the Scan household. Sister's hubby going for serious surgery, trying to get B moving in the right direction (after all he'll be 23 this month). Of course many other things that just need to be done or looked into.
This weather hasn't been helping at all, just makes me want to curl up in a chair and relax or read. Which of course there isn't time for that. I just need a little more time in my day, a few extra minutes.
Thursday, April 30, 2009
Dear Joey,
Dear Joey,
It's been 2 years this week, since you were diagnosed with bone cancer. I remember waiting in the hospital for you to come out of recovery. We were in California Naval hospital, with Miki and dad. What a whirlwind of two weeks. Testing, doctors appointments and arranging for chemo. I can see your expressions as you try to understand what is happening and why.
You hardly ever complained about your pain, which I knew you had a considerable amount. Talking to the doctors during the first few weeks, what a great outlook they had for you. Your tumor was about the size of an apricot, on you pelvic bone. I remember leaving California knowing you were going to start treatments. I wanted to be there for you, I know that you had your wife there. As a mom i desperately wanted to be with you. Talking to you daily on the phone wasn't enough for me. I came back after you lost all your hair, you still were a cutie.
Staying with you after Miki went back to California was hard for me. It was I guess you could say bittersweet. I was mad as hell at Miki for leaving you when you were sick. You were fine with it, and now I understand why. Your love for Miki was great, she was and still is the love of your life, and I KNOW that she feels the same way.
Chemo was hard on you, you were sick often. But, i remember the whirlpool. It made the pain tolerable and you would sit and be able to relax for awhile. Go back again for more chemo, getting sick all over again. The talk of them removing you leg, hemi-pelvictomy. You wouldn't hear of it. The second spot appeared on you sacrum, very small but still there none the less.
The month of August was here and you only had 2 more chemo treatments left. You needed to be closer to home. I needed help taking care of you (I never wanted to admit that). Home and back and forth to Bethesda naval hospital, not very fond of that place. We went to Walter Reed Army hospital after your chemo was done. We needed to talk to the surgeon and find out what was the best treatment for you. I can only say how stunned i was when the doctor so callously informed us that there wasn't anything he could do for you. What the fuck kind of doctor says that then leaves the room. The only good thing that bastard did for us was to refer us to Johns Hopkins.
Again more doctors, but at least they had a plan. A trial treatment that might work, MIGHT WORK! A bone scan revealed additional tumors in the breast bone, only a spot. Osteosarcoma is a bitch to treat, especially where you had it. Can't remove the tumor because of the pelvic bone, possible to remove the pelvic bone and replace it with a cadavers bone. That turned out not to be an option because of the tumor on the sacrum.
Your in so much pain now, I'm dying inside to try and help. Back in the hospital again, pain management help. Operation to install a pain pump that looks like a hockey puck, high doses of meds for the pain. In and out of the hospitals and only once did you ever ask why me, I always try to help everyone, i try to be good. We have cried together many times, me, you and dad. It was hard to keep it together on occasions.
Your last MRI which they had to put you out for was not good. Additional tumors the doctors came back to say, 11 more throughout you body. My heart dropped, the size of the original tumor multiplied dramatically. It was huge, you are now bedridden. In constant pain trying hard not to show it. We now have 2 pain pumps going at the same time, nurses in and out, blood work being done weekly. I'm not even going to comment on the time you had to much calcium in your blood and the loss of memory.
Several platelet transfusions, New Years eve was the worst. Mid way through January back at the hospital again. Your left lung was collapsed, filled with tumors. The doctors didn't want me to do any thing at that point. I needed you to be able to see you wife and kids one last time. You rallied for such a short time. I needed to bring you home for your sake and mine. Yes, I made the decision not for you to have another surgery which you might not have made it through. No, I didn't ask anyone elses opinion on rather or not it was the right decision. It was mine alone, right or wrong. You had the last two weeks with your wife and kids, so i believe that I made the right decision.
You passed quietly, as we sat around your bedside holding your hand. I love you so much and miss you. You are never far from my heart, mind or soul. Hopefully this letter finds you free of pain. I know that you are watching over you beautiful children and your wife. Dad and I talk to you often, hopefully you can hear us. Your brother also has you on his mind, you need to give him a kick in the ass though.
I know that i have left out alot of things that you went through in this letter, I just touched on some of the more important things.
May you be watched over and be pain free in your after life. Say hi to Pop-Pop and both Grandma's, Michael and Mike. No cheating in poker with Michael. When I sit outside and have a cigarette I'm having one with you.
Hope the mail service there is good........
Love and kisses my son
Mom
It's been 2 years this week, since you were diagnosed with bone cancer. I remember waiting in the hospital for you to come out of recovery. We were in California Naval hospital, with Miki and dad. What a whirlwind of two weeks. Testing, doctors appointments and arranging for chemo. I can see your expressions as you try to understand what is happening and why.
You hardly ever complained about your pain, which I knew you had a considerable amount. Talking to the doctors during the first few weeks, what a great outlook they had for you. Your tumor was about the size of an apricot, on you pelvic bone. I remember leaving California knowing you were going to start treatments. I wanted to be there for you, I know that you had your wife there. As a mom i desperately wanted to be with you. Talking to you daily on the phone wasn't enough for me. I came back after you lost all your hair, you still were a cutie.
Staying with you after Miki went back to California was hard for me. It was I guess you could say bittersweet. I was mad as hell at Miki for leaving you when you were sick. You were fine with it, and now I understand why. Your love for Miki was great, she was and still is the love of your life, and I KNOW that she feels the same way.
Chemo was hard on you, you were sick often. But, i remember the whirlpool. It made the pain tolerable and you would sit and be able to relax for awhile. Go back again for more chemo, getting sick all over again. The talk of them removing you leg, hemi-pelvictomy. You wouldn't hear of it. The second spot appeared on you sacrum, very small but still there none the less.
The month of August was here and you only had 2 more chemo treatments left. You needed to be closer to home. I needed help taking care of you (I never wanted to admit that). Home and back and forth to Bethesda naval hospital, not very fond of that place. We went to Walter Reed Army hospital after your chemo was done. We needed to talk to the surgeon and find out what was the best treatment for you. I can only say how stunned i was when the doctor so callously informed us that there wasn't anything he could do for you. What the fuck kind of doctor says that then leaves the room. The only good thing that bastard did for us was to refer us to Johns Hopkins.
Again more doctors, but at least they had a plan. A trial treatment that might work, MIGHT WORK! A bone scan revealed additional tumors in the breast bone, only a spot. Osteosarcoma is a bitch to treat, especially where you had it. Can't remove the tumor because of the pelvic bone, possible to remove the pelvic bone and replace it with a cadavers bone. That turned out not to be an option because of the tumor on the sacrum.
Your in so much pain now, I'm dying inside to try and help. Back in the hospital again, pain management help. Operation to install a pain pump that looks like a hockey puck, high doses of meds for the pain. In and out of the hospitals and only once did you ever ask why me, I always try to help everyone, i try to be good. We have cried together many times, me, you and dad. It was hard to keep it together on occasions.
Your last MRI which they had to put you out for was not good. Additional tumors the doctors came back to say, 11 more throughout you body. My heart dropped, the size of the original tumor multiplied dramatically. It was huge, you are now bedridden. In constant pain trying hard not to show it. We now have 2 pain pumps going at the same time, nurses in and out, blood work being done weekly. I'm not even going to comment on the time you had to much calcium in your blood and the loss of memory.
Several platelet transfusions, New Years eve was the worst. Mid way through January back at the hospital again. Your left lung was collapsed, filled with tumors. The doctors didn't want me to do any thing at that point. I needed you to be able to see you wife and kids one last time. You rallied for such a short time. I needed to bring you home for your sake and mine. Yes, I made the decision not for you to have another surgery which you might not have made it through. No, I didn't ask anyone elses opinion on rather or not it was the right decision. It was mine alone, right or wrong. You had the last two weeks with your wife and kids, so i believe that I made the right decision.
You passed quietly, as we sat around your bedside holding your hand. I love you so much and miss you. You are never far from my heart, mind or soul. Hopefully this letter finds you free of pain. I know that you are watching over you beautiful children and your wife. Dad and I talk to you often, hopefully you can hear us. Your brother also has you on his mind, you need to give him a kick in the ass though.
I know that i have left out alot of things that you went through in this letter, I just touched on some of the more important things.
May you be watched over and be pain free in your after life. Say hi to Pop-Pop and both Grandma's, Michael and Mike. No cheating in poker with Michael. When I sit outside and have a cigarette I'm having one with you.
Hope the mail service there is good........
Love and kisses my son
Mom
Wednesday, April 22, 2009
Congrats
I need to voice my congrats to my local family politician. My sister won a seat on the Board of Education. I cannot express how proud i am of her. What a great job. She is a wife, a wonderful, thoughtful mom and my best friend. She juggles her life with grace and dignity.
She amazes me routinely. I love talking to her, her insight into life and opinions. We don't always agree on everything (but what sisters do). I respect her opinions and value her friendship. Without her I might be one of those people sitting in the corner drooling.
She has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. Kept me sane and functioning. I'm not sure if i ever took the time to tell her how much she has meant to me, my hubby or my son. I love the relationship that she has with her kids and her husband.
Of course growing up with a little sister isn't always easy. She would always "touch my stuff" how irritating that used to be. She even stole my Nora Roberts books (thief). Babysitting wasn't something that i looked forward too. Here was this exotic looking little person, olive toned skin, straight dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes (with eyelashes that you could actually see). Me, i had very curly frizzy reddish hair, freckled complexion, the complete opposite.
Her favorite thing to say to get me annoyed was "i can do that better than you can". Drove me crazy, so of course i needed to prove her wrong. But, remember that i can say anything to her, but NOBODY better say anything bad about my sister. Hey i was the older sister after all.
As we grew older, and dealt with the sickness of our parents, dealing with a daughter in law and the death of my oldest son. Her compassion, insight and the fact that she just let me vent was just what i needed. So here's to you sis, hats off, and good luck.
I love you and respect you. Just remember that I'm always here if you need anything at all.
The baby in the family, spoiled rotten (still is)! She has grown into a beautiful person, mind, body and soul.
She amazes me routinely. I love talking to her, her insight into life and opinions. We don't always agree on everything (but what sisters do). I respect her opinions and value her friendship. Without her I might be one of those people sitting in the corner drooling.
She has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. Kept me sane and functioning. I'm not sure if i ever took the time to tell her how much she has meant to me, my hubby or my son. I love the relationship that she has with her kids and her husband.
Of course growing up with a little sister isn't always easy. She would always "touch my stuff" how irritating that used to be. She even stole my Nora Roberts books (thief). Babysitting wasn't something that i looked forward too. Here was this exotic looking little person, olive toned skin, straight dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes (with eyelashes that you could actually see). Me, i had very curly frizzy reddish hair, freckled complexion, the complete opposite.
Her favorite thing to say to get me annoyed was "i can do that better than you can". Drove me crazy, so of course i needed to prove her wrong. But, remember that i can say anything to her, but NOBODY better say anything bad about my sister. Hey i was the older sister after all.
As we grew older, and dealt with the sickness of our parents, dealing with a daughter in law and the death of my oldest son. Her compassion, insight and the fact that she just let me vent was just what i needed. So here's to you sis, hats off, and good luck.
I love you and respect you. Just remember that I'm always here if you need anything at all.
The baby in the family, spoiled rotten (still is)! She has grown into a beautiful person, mind, body and soul.
Saturday, April 18, 2009
Scammed Part 2
Okay, so I wrote about being scammed. I decided to vent my anger by writing to the so called publishing company and Cc-ing their attorney, also the Post Master General. I used words like false advertising, mail fraud, Federal offense, scamming innocent people. You get the messages.
I received a letter back the other day from the publishing company assuring me that they are a legit company. Breaking down dates as to when the "winnners" will be announced, when thir book will be published and so on (no mention of why i put a stop paymenton my check). Hoping that they have answered all my questions and alievated my fears. Of course there was a ps at the bottom of the letter telling me how much they really liked my poem. That it touched them deeply.
I really have to give it to them, i'm waiting for my list of winners. I really guess it's going to be a wait and see situation. I waiting ti see if i'll hear anything from the Post Master general or their attorneys. I really don't think i will, but rest assured this isn't over yet.
I received a letter back the other day from the publishing company assuring me that they are a legit company. Breaking down dates as to when the "winnners" will be announced, when thir book will be published and so on (no mention of why i put a stop paymenton my check). Hoping that they have answered all my questions and alievated my fears. Of course there was a ps at the bottom of the letter telling me how much they really liked my poem. That it touched them deeply.
I really have to give it to them, i'm waiting for my list of winners. I really guess it's going to be a wait and see situation. I waiting ti see if i'll hear anything from the Post Master general or their attorneys. I really don't think i will, but rest assured this isn't over yet.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
I'm tired of.....
Being tired when I wake up in the morning.
being exhausted at night.
being told that fatique is a form of depression.
being semi brain dead
not being able to control situations that are out of my control (confusing? be in my shoes)
having no energy to get things done.
waking up and saying i'm going to do this, that and the other thing and doing nothing.
being heart heavy.
asking WHY!
trying to explain myself when the words just won't come.
getting angry in a split second for no apparent reason.
not caring about the many things that I should.
being exhausted at night.
being told that fatique is a form of depression.
being semi brain dead
not being able to control situations that are out of my control (confusing? be in my shoes)
having no energy to get things done.
waking up and saying i'm going to do this, that and the other thing and doing nothing.
being heart heavy.
asking WHY!
trying to explain myself when the words just won't come.
getting angry in a split second for no apparent reason.
not caring about the many things that I should.
Monday, April 13, 2009
The weekend is over!
Three day weekends are nice to have, however I'm glad this one is over. The holidays are not my favorites at the moment. I remember coloring Easter eggs with my boys, what s mess. They enjoyed it immensely, they each took great delight in trying to mess up each others eggs by switching the colors. I had no desire to color eggs this year, out of shear cowardice i decided not too color eggs and bring back memories. Even though the memories are wonderful of my two mischief makers. My hubby was against the idea and really wanted to color eggs. I gave him the option of doing the coloring himself or not doing them at all (i know bitch reared it ugly head). Just to let you know there was NO egg coloring at the house this year.
Otherwise it was an okay day, i cooked meatballs and sausage with a big batch of sauce with spaghetti. Yum it was good. Everyone came over, which helped pass the day along. My younger son B had a good day, ate and then promptly went out. Of course i had to wake him up nice and early, not my problem that he came home early in the morning. hehe Love you B.
Easter baskets were a hit however, even the dog got his treats. I talked to my daughter in law on Saturday and she received her box with the the necessary egg coloring items. It seems there really isn't much of that stuff in Japan, This will be my granddaughters first time coloring Easter eggs (wish i could have seen that). I will be sending out their baskets this week. I know it's easy enough to make them. It's just the fact that I'm missing the one person that loves getting them.
Otherwise it was an okay day, i cooked meatballs and sausage with a big batch of sauce with spaghetti. Yum it was good. Everyone came over, which helped pass the day along. My younger son B had a good day, ate and then promptly went out. Of course i had to wake him up nice and early, not my problem that he came home early in the morning. hehe Love you B.
Easter baskets were a hit however, even the dog got his treats. I talked to my daughter in law on Saturday and she received her box with the the necessary egg coloring items. It seems there really isn't much of that stuff in Japan, This will be my granddaughters first time coloring Easter eggs (wish i could have seen that). I will be sending out their baskets this week. I know it's easy enough to make them. It's just the fact that I'm missing the one person that loves getting them.
Thursday, April 9, 2009
Easter baskets
You would think that making Easter baskets would be simple, let me say that again you would think that making Easter baskets would be simple. Not so in my house. I need to make 4 Easter baskets to send out to Japan. Yes, i know that they don't celebrate the Easter holiday in Japan. But, I still need to make baskets and send them out. My daughter-in-law never had an Easter basket before, so this started the tradition a few years ago. My son shared the one that we sent to his ship with her. My grandson received his first Easter basket when he was three, and enjoyed it immensely. Of course, my son commented about the sugar high he was riding on for a few days. This made me smile and think of when he was little and his grandparents did the same thing. Now of course with my granddaughter being almost 3 and LOVES candy. Of course there is other goodies in there too, clothes and some toys.
Now my younger son, likes his tradition and likes his Easter basket. Bunny, jelly beans and the works. Of course we always try to put a little something extra in there. Sports tickets or whatever i happen to hear him talking about. Which is always gets a good response from him. But, if you forget something that is always in the basket he lets you know about it.
My sister-in-law is another matter, she gives up chocolate for lent. So i try to make sure that she has a chocolate fix and a little something extra. Then there is my nephew, which my hubby insists on making just one extra basket for. Not that i mind, because once your on a roll it really doesn't matter.
So far the count is 4 baskets to Japan, 3 baskets for at home.
And of course i have taste everything that goes into the basket, a few jelly beans, peeps, chocolate eggs. Hey I'm making them i need to taste them!
Now my younger son, likes his tradition and likes his Easter basket. Bunny, jelly beans and the works. Of course we always try to put a little something extra in there. Sports tickets or whatever i happen to hear him talking about. Which is always gets a good response from him. But, if you forget something that is always in the basket he lets you know about it.
My sister-in-law is another matter, she gives up chocolate for lent. So i try to make sure that she has a chocolate fix and a little something extra. Then there is my nephew, which my hubby insists on making just one extra basket for. Not that i mind, because once your on a roll it really doesn't matter.
So far the count is 4 baskets to Japan, 3 baskets for at home.
And of course i have taste everything that goes into the basket, a few jelly beans, peeps, chocolate eggs. Hey I'm making them i need to taste them!
Monday, April 6, 2009
Hi Babe
Hi Babe, it's a phrase that i loved hearing. As my dad slowly made his way in the door. His cane in one hand and usually something good to eat in the other. Dad, you really didn't have to bring anything with you. His comment as always "i know i didn't have too but i wanted too". Anyway i really wanted a piece of this cheesecake.
I miss hearing dad's deep voice calling as he walked into the house, or when he reached home after being at either our house or my sisters for awhile. His hat perched ever so jauntily on his head. The twinkle in his eyes when he teased me about how I BBQ. You know your sister does this much better than you do....yeah I know that but she can't make sauce from scratch, so we're even. A big smile on his face.
He adored our dogs, my sisters and mine. He loved to scratch behind their ears, and play with them. Dad always liked dogs, not being able to have one of his own he sort of adopted ours. Between me and my sister I'm sure that we tended to be slightly overprotective (okay dad a lot overprotective) always calling to see if he ate, did he need anything. His response was almost always the same "I'm fine babe, just a little tired".
As, dad's treatments for cancer progressed he was often more tired. I would have loved for him to be able to come and stay in my extra bedroom. But, he wouldn't have it. He needed his own apartment.
Dad's passing was quick, he was in the hospital with his family around him. He just wanted to get comfortable and roll over on his side. And as he did just that he just passed quietly and quickly. I miss my dad on a daily basis, on one thing I'm sure he's up there with my son. He is also commenting on who cooks the best me or my sister. I'll give my sister the best BBQ and i still make the best sauce.
I miss hearing dad's deep voice calling as he walked into the house, or when he reached home after being at either our house or my sisters for awhile. His hat perched ever so jauntily on his head. The twinkle in his eyes when he teased me about how I BBQ. You know your sister does this much better than you do....yeah I know that but she can't make sauce from scratch, so we're even. A big smile on his face.
He adored our dogs, my sisters and mine. He loved to scratch behind their ears, and play with them. Dad always liked dogs, not being able to have one of his own he sort of adopted ours. Between me and my sister I'm sure that we tended to be slightly overprotective (okay dad a lot overprotective) always calling to see if he ate, did he need anything. His response was almost always the same "I'm fine babe, just a little tired".
As, dad's treatments for cancer progressed he was often more tired. I would have loved for him to be able to come and stay in my extra bedroom. But, he wouldn't have it. He needed his own apartment.
Dad's passing was quick, he was in the hospital with his family around him. He just wanted to get comfortable and roll over on his side. And as he did just that he just passed quietly and quickly. I miss my dad on a daily basis, on one thing I'm sure he's up there with my son. He is also commenting on who cooks the best me or my sister. I'll give my sister the best BBQ and i still make the best sauce.
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Mirror
I look in the mirror every day as I get ready for work. Fix the make up, hair an make sure that there isn't anything in my teeth. Can't go to work like that. As i look in the mirror I see the same person as always, yes a little older. A few more wrinkles, a little features from both of my parents.
The person that looks back at is the same person that i've seen for the last many years. But, it isn't really me. My face doesn't show the real me. Not the turmoil that is going on iside my head or my heart. I see no sign of the heartache, almost like i'm living a double life.
I put a smile on my face and continue on as i have so many times. I keep thinking that one day it's all going to come to the surface. This person in the mirror, with conflicting emotions. So many different feelings on a daily basis, as i wake up to reality everyday. Okay, things need to be done. I plan so many things as i look in the mirror, I need to make sure that bills get paid, house needs to be cleaned, let the dog out. This is all the normal everyday things that have to be done. I get up in the morning with high hopes that my mind won't be so fussy today, that i'll be able to focus on the normal (what's really normal) things. But, as usual that's not going to happen.
I try to put my thoughts and feelings on the back burner, just for awhile. It doesn't work, my heartaches and my mind again is in turmoil. Did i do everything i could, could i have done more, what did i miss. I miss my son and it hurts so much to say that. But, as i look in the mirror with tears in my eyes i still can't see the person that i feel like. Mirrors don't lie, do they?
The person that looks back at is the same person that i've seen for the last many years. But, it isn't really me. My face doesn't show the real me. Not the turmoil that is going on iside my head or my heart. I see no sign of the heartache, almost like i'm living a double life.
I put a smile on my face and continue on as i have so many times. I keep thinking that one day it's all going to come to the surface. This person in the mirror, with conflicting emotions. So many different feelings on a daily basis, as i wake up to reality everyday. Okay, things need to be done. I plan so many things as i look in the mirror, I need to make sure that bills get paid, house needs to be cleaned, let the dog out. This is all the normal everyday things that have to be done. I get up in the morning with high hopes that my mind won't be so fussy today, that i'll be able to focus on the normal (what's really normal) things. But, as usual that's not going to happen.
I try to put my thoughts and feelings on the back burner, just for awhile. It doesn't work, my heartaches and my mind again is in turmoil. Did i do everything i could, could i have done more, what did i miss. I miss my son and it hurts so much to say that. But, as i look in the mirror with tears in my eyes i still can't see the person that i feel like. Mirrors don't lie, do they?
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Mamogram
Can anyone out there please tell me who invented the mammography apparatus. I'm guessing that it was a man. Someone who enjoys inflecting pain on woman. either that or i just went on someones bad day.
Yes, i know that this is necessary and should be done yearly. I understand all of that. The part that i don't understand is the compression of certain parts of my anatomy that aren't supposed to be compressed.
When you think they are done and all of a sudden they compress just that little extra to make you wince. they then tell to to hold your breathe, as if i could do anything else.
Yes, I'm whining. It hurts like hell.
Yes, i know that this is necessary and should be done yearly. I understand all of that. The part that i don't understand is the compression of certain parts of my anatomy that aren't supposed to be compressed.
When you think they are done and all of a sudden they compress just that little extra to make you wince. they then tell to to hold your breathe, as if i could do anything else.
Yes, I'm whining. It hurts like hell.
Monday, March 30, 2009
Weekend
Lazy day weekends, the misting rain, some thunder and lighting. All in all it wasn't a bad weekend. A little too much yard work, when you have a big dog you need to rake the yard.
Sore a little this morning, i think i need more exercise is my daily routine. Start walking some and try to loose some weight.
Happy Monday!! (yeah right)
Sore a little this morning, i think i need more exercise is my daily routine. Start walking some and try to loose some weight.
Happy Monday!! (yeah right)
Thursday, March 26, 2009
Nightmare!!
Heart pounded, blood racing, dogs howling. My feet are running and i'm not getting anywhere. I have to run, someones in trouble oh my god run faster. Get there, get there!
That was how i woke up this morning. It was not a pleasant feeling. Dogs howling, St. Bernards normally don't howl. But i was sure that I actually felt the bed vibrating from the force of his howl. Talk about waking up in a cold sweat. I'm hoping that whatever triggered that type of nightmare will go far, far away.
I usually don't remember my dreams, so this one knocked my socks off. It took me a few minutes to shake it off. Then it pissed me off, i got up and shot the dog a dirty look and preceded to get to the coffee pot. I needed at least one cup to soothe my nerves, than a few extra to get ready for work.
After at least a pot of coffee I'm ready to take on the day, I think.
That was how i woke up this morning. It was not a pleasant feeling. Dogs howling, St. Bernards normally don't howl. But i was sure that I actually felt the bed vibrating from the force of his howl. Talk about waking up in a cold sweat. I'm hoping that whatever triggered that type of nightmare will go far, far away.
I usually don't remember my dreams, so this one knocked my socks off. It took me a few minutes to shake it off. Then it pissed me off, i got up and shot the dog a dirty look and preceded to get to the coffee pot. I needed at least one cup to soothe my nerves, than a few extra to get ready for work.
After at least a pot of coffee I'm ready to take on the day, I think.
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Scammed......Really???
POP!
Did you hear that? That was my artistic bubble bursting, thank god it was only a small bubble.
So, I have been scammed. Yes, me of all people. I am normally very careful in what I do and who I deal with, but it has happened. I seen an article in a very reputable magazine for a poetry contest, hmmm i thought maybe I should give it a try. Well I sent out a copy of my poem in late December, and really forgot about it. Every once in awhile it would pop into the back of my mind. Holidays were here and I had much to much to do, and survive the holiday emotions.
Much to my surprise, just about a week ago I received a letter from the publishing company saying "your poem made it to the semi-final rounds". WOW, Really i was so excited and thrilled, you see this poem was about my son and my feelings. So I thought that i might actually be able to share some of those thoughts with others, that have gone through the same thing i have.
I was talking to my sister and told her about the contest (because i didn't let anyone know i submitted an entry). As i was telling her she was asking about the publishing company and all of a sudden....SILENCE, knowing my sister as i do and hearing the tapping of her computer keys I figured something was up. As she was saying let me check things out, something in the back of my slowly functioning brain was saying uh-oh. Things got hectic at work and I didn't have a chance to check out the publishing name until much later.
And there it was SCAMMED!!!! The bubble popped, I only lost the small fee of a stop payment on a check, so i was grateful for that. My younger sister was so indignant on my behave that she started raising cane. I'm supposed to protect her being the older one (not telling how much older) she even called the publishing attorney. and blasted them. SO beware of of poem contests, especially if you see the name EBER & WEIN PUBLISHING.
A lesson well learned and I can actually smile, shake my head and say damn.
Did you hear that? That was my artistic bubble bursting, thank god it was only a small bubble.
So, I have been scammed. Yes, me of all people. I am normally very careful in what I do and who I deal with, but it has happened. I seen an article in a very reputable magazine for a poetry contest, hmmm i thought maybe I should give it a try. Well I sent out a copy of my poem in late December, and really forgot about it. Every once in awhile it would pop into the back of my mind. Holidays were here and I had much to much to do, and survive the holiday emotions.
Much to my surprise, just about a week ago I received a letter from the publishing company saying "your poem made it to the semi-final rounds". WOW, Really i was so excited and thrilled, you see this poem was about my son and my feelings. So I thought that i might actually be able to share some of those thoughts with others, that have gone through the same thing i have.
I was talking to my sister and told her about the contest (because i didn't let anyone know i submitted an entry). As i was telling her she was asking about the publishing company and all of a sudden....SILENCE, knowing my sister as i do and hearing the tapping of her computer keys I figured something was up. As she was saying let me check things out, something in the back of my slowly functioning brain was saying uh-oh. Things got hectic at work and I didn't have a chance to check out the publishing name until much later.
And there it was SCAMMED!!!! The bubble popped, I only lost the small fee of a stop payment on a check, so i was grateful for that. My younger sister was so indignant on my behave that she started raising cane. I'm supposed to protect her being the older one (not telling how much older) she even called the publishing attorney. and blasted them. SO beware of of poem contests, especially if you see the name EBER & WEIN PUBLISHING.
A lesson well learned and I can actually smile, shake my head and say damn.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
Lazy day
Too early in the morning to really do anything except stretch out and enjoy a second cup of coffee. That's how i feel right now. Knowing that the day is looming before me, and the many things that need to be done.
Right now my mind is at ease with remembrance of the happy days that have passed. Of course, once you start remembering the happy times, you also remember the bitter days that have followed.
My morning are the worst and best of times. Having lost a son to cancer over a year ago is what prompted me to begin a blog. Sometimes it is easier to write about what i am feeling than talking about it. Sitting in my quiet corner of the couch in the living room and looking over to where the hospital bed stood for a few months and seeing an impish grin on my sons face was a treasure and the remembrance is a torture. He was too young to die, his life still full ahead of him. My head is in a tangle and my heart is torn. These are my mornings and why i don't linger with my cup of coffee.
These are my thoughts on a daily bases. I hear as time goes on, your sure to heal, or it will get easier. All i can say is hmmm.
Well now that i have posted my thoughts and reclaimed a small portion of my sanity I will continue on with my day.
Not all of my posts will be so depressing, most will weird or upbeat and some will be totally pissed off. i do tend to speak out at times (just ask my sister).
It's time for cleaning and getting my monster of a dog off my bed long enough to make it.
Right now my mind is at ease with remembrance of the happy days that have passed. Of course, once you start remembering the happy times, you also remember the bitter days that have followed.
My morning are the worst and best of times. Having lost a son to cancer over a year ago is what prompted me to begin a blog. Sometimes it is easier to write about what i am feeling than talking about it. Sitting in my quiet corner of the couch in the living room and looking over to where the hospital bed stood for a few months and seeing an impish grin on my sons face was a treasure and the remembrance is a torture. He was too young to die, his life still full ahead of him. My head is in a tangle and my heart is torn. These are my mornings and why i don't linger with my cup of coffee.
These are my thoughts on a daily bases. I hear as time goes on, your sure to heal, or it will get easier. All i can say is hmmm.
Well now that i have posted my thoughts and reclaimed a small portion of my sanity I will continue on with my day.
Not all of my posts will be so depressing, most will weird or upbeat and some will be totally pissed off. i do tend to speak out at times (just ask my sister).
It's time for cleaning and getting my monster of a dog off my bed long enough to make it.
Friday, March 20, 2009
Spring?????
After i woke up this morning, very happy that it was indeed the firsy day of spring and Friday on top of that. As i let the big pooch out, much to my surprise it's snowing. What the hell is going on here???
Please, no more snow or cold weather until next fall. I know that i sound like a whining kid, but come on. Haven't we all had enough of the cold weather?
Please, no more snow or cold weather until next fall. I know that i sound like a whining kid, but come on. Haven't we all had enough of the cold weather?
Thursday, March 19, 2009
Good Morning Kisses
Let me tell you, there is nothing more slobbery than a good morning kiss from George. George weighs about 135lbs and thinks he rules the roosts.Actually he really does, he loves to sit on the couch (and i mean actually sit) back legs and but on the couch, front paws on the floor. I adore this dog. He has been with the family for almost 4 years now.
Our last dog had cancer and after he left us the house was so quiet and lonely. Enter a fluffy, fuzzy 3 month old St. Bernard. We feel in love at first sight! The name George came from my hubby, for some reason he thought he looked like a George (no offense to any George out there). On our first trip to Petsmart we took George with us and let me tell you it was a very long time spent in the store. We had to set him up for puppy school (he passed 2 courses and flunked out of the third) the word sit just didn't inspire him that much. Everyone need to pet and cuddle him throughout the store.
But, seriously though, being woken up in the morning by a big wet slobbery kiss is not always appreciated. Just ask my hubby as he starts groaning and wiping his face. How can anyone resist a face like?
Wednesday, March 18, 2009
Bad Day
Did you ever just walk into the office and BAM everything and everyone starts at once. Well welcome to my world today.
Everyone started at once, please i have had only 1 1/2 cups of coffee this morning. You don't understand, i growl before at least three cups. My mind isn't working properly without the required dose of caffeine.
I just needed to share my morning with you.
Off to the coffee pot now.
See ya!
Everyone started at once, please i have had only 1 1/2 cups of coffee this morning. You don't understand, i growl before at least three cups. My mind isn't working properly without the required dose of caffeine.
I just needed to share my morning with you.
Off to the coffee pot now.
See ya!
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Harder than it looks
Okay, as you can tell this is my first blog ever. I'm not really the writer in the family, my sister is much better. You need to check out her blog "catootes", very witty and too the point. One of my morning rituals is to see what's going on with her blog.
I have been trying to get my act together and start posting, but it is harder than it looks. It's very intimidating to sit down to a blank screen and try to begin to write something.
I'm hoping to add some pictures as i get acquainted with being a "blogger"
See you soon.
I have been trying to get my act together and start posting, but it is harder than it looks. It's very intimidating to sit down to a blank screen and try to begin to write something.
I'm hoping to add some pictures as i get acquainted with being a "blogger"
See you soon.
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