Home vs. House
Every morning sitting in the living room with the sun slowly filtering through the curtains having my much needed coffee, I glance over to the corner of the living room. I can still see the outline of the hospital bed and our son lying in the bed. My heart breaks again, so much pain and sorrow.
We bought this house over 32 years ago with so much excitement and dreams, both of us working full time and we could still barley afford the mortgage. The wonderful dreams that we created for our new home, yes home, this was our new home not just a house anymore. It was small only one bedroom; I guess you could call it a bungalow. Two blocks away from the beach and a nice size yard, just imagine the swing set and puppies running around with our children. Three years later a little boy was born, Joseph Anthony.
We needed more room to grow, so we added on and recreated our home. Brian James was born three years later. As our children grew and flourished it was amazing at the joy the 2 boys brought to our lives. Grammar school, Soccer, Baseball, Ice Hockey, High School we were always on the move. Sports, homework and of course the squabbles between brothers, the discipline (no cookies before dinner) life was good.
The phone call came late one April afternoon, mom my daughter in law said so upset. They found a something on Joey’s pelvis, it looks like a tumor. My oldest son was in the Navy stationed in Japan, he was having some pain down his right leg and thought that he pulled a muscle or even possible had a hernia. They flew him and his wife, Miki from Japan to San Diego. The diagnosis Osteosarcoma, bone cancer! Between getting Joey and Miki a place to stay in San Diego, (not too far from the hospital) and flying back and forth from New Jersey it was trying. Having my youngest son Brian helping out and staying in San Diego so this way someone was always with Joey, was a godsend.
We finally had to bring Joey back home; he needed constant care and pain management. His wife needed to go back to Japan to be with their two children for a while (another blog at another time). We drove back and forth from Johns Hopkins hospital and home. Needless to say 10 very short months later at the very young age of 26 our oldest son lost his battle with cancer.
Our youngest son Brian moved out just over a year ago to Nebraska, so incredibly proud of the young man he has become. He has been able to grow in mind, body, soul and spirit. Of course we miss him terribly, but just imagining how much he has gone through and his determined spirit is uplifting for us.
So, now I’m back to what to do in regards to this house that we are now living in together. Notice I didn’t say home, it just doesn’t feel like my home any more. Yes, I can still picture all the Christmas presents under the tree and who is going to open the first gift that Santa gave them. I still have those memories and many, many more. When the sadder memories are more prominent in your mind do you stay in the house and hope with all your heart that it will once again become your home?
I’m on the edge here, not sure what my next move is and what it should be. We have lost a part of our hearts and are trying to heal and keep each other together. Family and friends have helped us so much; that we can’t even began to express our heartfelt thanks.
Lately our sorrow is engulfing our memories more and more or maybe it just seems that way to me. Either way we are still trying to figure out the next thing to do, the right thing to do. I’m hoping that over time we will be able to figure out what will be best for us.