Tuesday, November 30, 2010

tick, tick, tick

A lesson in anatomy:

Adenoma
Hepatic adenomas are benign solid neoplasms of the liver. They are most commonly seen in young woman, and are typically solitary, although multiple adenomas also can occur. Prior or current use of estrogen (oral contraceptives) is a clear risk factor for development of a liver adenoma, although they can occur even in the absence of oral contraceptive use. Hepatic adenomas carry a significant risk of spontaneous rupture with intraperitoneal bleeding. Further, there is a risk of malignant transformation to a well-differentiated HCC. Therefore, it is usually recommended that a hepatic adenoma be surgically removed.

Okay, so I found out that I am totally a control freak. I hate the fact that there isn't anything I can do about this. I have multiple adenoma's on my liver, why you say. I took hormone therapy to stop being so incredibly bitchy, and of course I also was on oral contraceptives for a few years. Maybe. I should have been the bitch supreme, hmm I just might still qualify for that.

Trying to find out if there was something that could help either reduced the size of the adenoma's or get rid of them totally didn't really work out in my favor. It seems that there really isn't anything that I can do. I asked about diets, chemo (not really a cancer) basically told no, not really. We'll have to wait and watch them on a regular basis (tick, tick, tick). I really do feel right now like ticking tomb bomb. I know that they can erupt spontaneously. This is not the area of my life that i want spontaneousness. I want normal everyday routine and liver functions, that's not asking for too much is it?

Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Mixed Emotions

Picked my daughter in law up from the airport the other day. I have not been looking forward to her return trip, not so much because of her, but the feelings that are bound to come around. Harder than I thought it was going to be, the images that just popped into my head.. It's been almost three years now since my son passed away from cancer, having my daughter in law come back to the house after two years brought everything back in a rush. We picked her up from the airport and drove back to the house. As I opened the door I could see my son in the hospital bed with a huge smile on his face. She was his life, he loved her with his heart and soul.

There have been many, many conflicts with my daughter in law. Even more than she'll ever know. I HAVE to be nice, I have two grandchildren that live in Japan. I would like to see them some time in the future.

After a week of her being here, it was time for her to go. I needed an emotional rest, no more heartache. It was extremely exhausting emotionally, I hit an all time low. It's now time to relax and regenerate my brain cells. I'm just so tired.

Friday, August 27, 2010

missed blogging

Okay, it's been awhile since i've came back to my page. I have much to say but, can't seem to write it down. This is just going to be a start, i'll make sure that i can actually write things down again. I figured that once i open a new post maybe things will start to flow, perculate, brew. Notice the reference to coffee? Seems to be telling me something. More coffee is needed.

I owe it to myself to come back and visit for awhile!!!!!!

Friday, February 5, 2010

Damn, Damn Damn

Ears buzzing, ringing, my body has just went numb. What did you just say, what do you mean you chest feels tight? It has been going on for how long, you didn't go to the hospital, why? Shit, Fuck, Damn.

Okay go to the ER and let them check you out, call me as soon as you hear anything. Tex ting back and forth anything yet? No not yet. Phone call comes in. Excuse me what did you just say. A what where, on your lung, how big. Numbness all over my body. Hands shaking, head pounding. 3 cm on your right lower right lung? No this isn't happening, i won't let it.

No i don't think it's cancer. (it's not, it's not, no fucking way) Okay they are going to a catscan, when? in just a few minutes Okay okay good. call me when you get out and let me know what they say. Brain fuzzy, chest hurts can't stand this waiting. This cannot be happening no fucking way. I need to get to Nebraska NOW. More texting. He's out of the catscan, Can't determine exactly what it is, you need to go to a doctor and get an MRI done as soon as possible. FUCK, FUCK FUCK.

Okay talk calming to Brian he is upset and freaking out. No your going to be fine, you'll see. No I'm not being optimistic you be fine. (I can't deal with this). Okay you have the doctors number and have to make an appointment for tomorrow morning. Brian it will be fine, honest. (I have to have hope).

Phone rings early this morning. Hey Brian did you get any sleep. No i guess you didn't. I know your scared, me too. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. Ah, honey it's going to be fine. No. I'm not in denial. No you can't say that you knew for a fact that you have cancer. Let's wait until the results from the doctor come in. Yes, i know that there is a spot on your lung. No YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE IN 2 MONTHS. NOW JUST STOP IT. (tears, heartache) Do you want me to fly out and be with you? Yes, I know you go to the doctors by yourself. Yes, I know that your 24 years old. (and you ARE going to grow older) Okay, Okay you'll call me. I love you so. Please try to relax a little. Yes, i know that you will fight for your live. Okay you'll come home after your find out whats going on. I'll fly out and drive back home with you. I really don't care how much it will cost. (FUCK, FUCK, FUCK) Let's try to be positive. I know, I know you have something on your lung. Okay, you get ready to call the doctor and call be back later when you have an appointment. I really don't want to be the one to call you back mom and tell you that i have lung cancer. But, if i have too i will. Bye Love you.

Texting back and forth. Mom this Doctor is a riot, very cool. And what did your doctor say. She's really is good. Okay but what did she say. She doesn't think it's cancer, not sure what it is but she doesn't think it's cancer. I have to go to a pulmonary doctor. My appointment is next Thursday. If I don't hear back from her in the next hour or so, they'll call and make an apt for me.

Mom i feel better now, i guess I'll be around for awhile. I love you and talk to you soon.

Monday, January 4, 2010

Empty Nest Syndrome?

Empty Nest Syndrome, I think not. I dearly love my youngest son, his humor, compassionate nature, his soulful brown eyes and his quick wit. He is off to Omaha, Nebraska tonight. Yes, I will miss him dreadfully, but this will be the best thing for him.

It's time for B to start his life now. He had to put his life on hold for a time, which he did without any hesitation. He had the strength to help his brother through chemo treatments and watch the decline of his brother who passed almost two years ago from cancer.

B has the strength within to make his life in a new place, I only wish him the best. He needs to be able to restart what he begun a few years ago, his intelligence is amazing. He has always been able to debate anything, and I mean ANYTHING. From what time he needed to go to bed, or whether or not he had to have another snack before bedtime (needed for a growing boy).

His growth and compassion overwhelm me at times. He is a very strong willed individual and stubborn as a mule. He might have lost his way for a time, in fact I think we all have. Deep down I know that this will be the right move for him.

I give him credit for being able to make this decision and stand by it. It isn't a easy feat to move to another state just knowing a few people and what kind of employment there is out there. B is going to land on his feet.

Sometimes I feel that I have put extra weight on this son of mine. He was able to listen to me vent, was there for me when I thought I wounldn"t be able to take much more grief. I would have liked for him to grow into a man with a little less knowledge of grief. I love him and am so proud that he is able to make such bold decision. He goes with all of my love and all of my hope and dreams for him to make this a special time in his life.

I love you sweetie, my tears are proud tears and some sad ones too. Just know that I am standing here knowing that you will succeed in whatever endeavor you choose. No matter what the future holds for you, you will be in my heart.

Good luck and drive extra careful.

Please whatever you do don't bring home any blonde's ;)
Love always Mom