Thursday, April 30, 2009

Dear Joey,

Dear Joey,

It's been 2 years this week, since you were diagnosed with bone cancer. I remember waiting in the hospital for you to come out of recovery. We were in California Naval hospital, with Miki and dad. What a whirlwind of two weeks. Testing, doctors appointments and arranging for chemo. I can see your expressions as you try to understand what is happening and why.

You hardly ever complained about your pain, which I knew you had a considerable amount. Talking to the doctors during the first few weeks, what a great outlook they had for you. Your tumor was about the size of an apricot, on you pelvic bone. I remember leaving California knowing you were going to start treatments. I wanted to be there for you, I know that you had your wife there. As a mom i desperately wanted to be with you. Talking to you daily on the phone wasn't enough for me. I came back after you lost all your hair, you still were a cutie.

Staying with you after Miki went back to California was hard for me. It was I guess you could say bittersweet. I was mad as hell at Miki for leaving you when you were sick. You were fine with it, and now I understand why. Your love for Miki was great, she was and still is the love of your life, and I KNOW that she feels the same way.

Chemo was hard on you, you were sick often. But, i remember the whirlpool. It made the pain tolerable and you would sit and be able to relax for awhile. Go back again for more chemo, getting sick all over again. The talk of them removing you leg, hemi-pelvictomy. You wouldn't hear of it. The second spot appeared on you sacrum, very small but still there none the less.

The month of August was here and you only had 2 more chemo treatments left. You needed to be closer to home. I needed help taking care of you (I never wanted to admit that). Home and back and forth to Bethesda naval hospital, not very fond of that place. We went to Walter Reed Army hospital after your chemo was done. We needed to talk to the surgeon and find out what was the best treatment for you. I can only say how stunned i was when the doctor so callously informed us that there wasn't anything he could do for you. What the fuck kind of doctor says that then leaves the room. The only good thing that bastard did for us was to refer us to Johns Hopkins.

Again more doctors, but at least they had a plan. A trial treatment that might work, MIGHT WORK! A bone scan revealed additional tumors in the breast bone, only a spot. Osteosarcoma is a bitch to treat, especially where you had it. Can't remove the tumor because of the pelvic bone, possible to remove the pelvic bone and replace it with a cadavers bone. That turned out not to be an option because of the tumor on the sacrum.

Your in so much pain now, I'm dying inside to try and help. Back in the hospital again, pain management help. Operation to install a pain pump that looks like a hockey puck, high doses of meds for the pain. In and out of the hospitals and only once did you ever ask why me, I always try to help everyone, i try to be good. We have cried together many times, me, you and dad. It was hard to keep it together on occasions.

Your last MRI which they had to put you out for was not good. Additional tumors the doctors came back to say, 11 more throughout you body. My heart dropped, the size of the original tumor multiplied dramatically. It was huge, you are now bedridden. In constant pain trying hard not to show it. We now have 2 pain pumps going at the same time, nurses in and out, blood work being done weekly. I'm not even going to comment on the time you had to much calcium in your blood and the loss of memory.

Several platelet transfusions, New Years eve was the worst. Mid way through January back at the hospital again. Your left lung was collapsed, filled with tumors. The doctors didn't want me to do any thing at that point. I needed you to be able to see you wife and kids one last time. You rallied for such a short time. I needed to bring you home for your sake and mine. Yes, I made the decision not for you to have another surgery which you might not have made it through. No, I didn't ask anyone elses opinion on rather or not it was the right decision. It was mine alone, right or wrong. You had the last two weeks with your wife and kids, so i believe that I made the right decision.

You passed quietly, as we sat around your bedside holding your hand. I love you so much and miss you. You are never far from my heart, mind or soul. Hopefully this letter finds you free of pain. I know that you are watching over you beautiful children and your wife. Dad and I talk to you often, hopefully you can hear us. Your brother also has you on his mind, you need to give him a kick in the ass though.
I know that i have left out alot of things that you went through in this letter, I just touched on some of the more important things.

May you be watched over and be pain free in your after life. Say hi to Pop-Pop and both Grandma's, Michael and Mike. No cheating in poker with Michael. When I sit outside and have a cigarette I'm having one with you.

Hope the mail service there is good........
Love and kisses my son
Mom

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Congrats

I need to voice my congrats to my local family politician. My sister won a seat on the Board of Education. I cannot express how proud i am of her. What a great job. She is a wife, a wonderful, thoughtful mom and my best friend. She juggles her life with grace and dignity.

She amazes me routinely. I love talking to her, her insight into life and opinions. We don't always agree on everything (but what sisters do). I respect her opinions and value her friendship. Without her I might be one of those people sitting in the corner drooling.

She has helped me through the most difficult time in my life. Kept me sane and functioning. I'm not sure if i ever took the time to tell her how much she has meant to me, my hubby or my son. I love the relationship that she has with her kids and her husband.

Of course growing up with a little sister isn't always easy. She would always "touch my stuff" how irritating that used to be. She even stole my Nora Roberts books (thief). Babysitting wasn't something that i looked forward too. Here was this exotic looking little person, olive toned skin, straight dark brown hair and beautiful brown eyes (with eyelashes that you could actually see). Me, i had very curly frizzy reddish hair, freckled complexion, the complete opposite.

Her favorite thing to say to get me annoyed was "i can do that better than you can". Drove me crazy, so of course i needed to prove her wrong. But, remember that i can say anything to her, but NOBODY better say anything bad about my sister. Hey i was the older sister after all.

As we grew older, and dealt with the sickness of our parents, dealing with a daughter in law and the death of my oldest son. Her compassion, insight and the fact that she just let me vent was just what i needed. So here's to you sis, hats off, and good luck.

I love you and respect you. Just remember that I'm always here if you need anything at all.

The baby in the family, spoiled rotten (still is)! She has grown into a beautiful person, mind, body and soul.

Saturday, April 18, 2009

Scammed Part 2

Okay, so I wrote about being scammed. I decided to vent my anger by writing to the so called publishing company and Cc-ing their attorney, also the Post Master General. I used words like false advertising, mail fraud, Federal offense, scamming innocent people. You get the messages.

I received a letter back the other day from the publishing company assuring me that they are a legit company. Breaking down dates as to when the "winnners" will be announced, when thir book will be published and so on (no mention of why i put a stop paymenton my check). Hoping that they have answered all my questions and alievated my fears. Of course there was a ps at the bottom of the letter telling me how much they really liked my poem. That it touched them deeply.

I really have to give it to them, i'm waiting for my list of winners. I really guess it's going to be a wait and see situation. I waiting ti see if i'll hear anything from the Post Master general or their attorneys. I really don't think i will, but rest assured this isn't over yet.

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

I'm tired of.....

Being tired when I wake up in the morning.

being exhausted at night.

being told that fatique is a form of depression.

being semi brain dead

not being able to control situations that are out of my control (confusing? be in my shoes)

having no energy to get things done.

waking up and saying i'm going to do this, that and the other thing and doing nothing.

being heart heavy.

asking WHY!

trying to explain myself when the words just won't come.

getting angry in a split second for no apparent reason.

not caring about the many things that I should.

Monday, April 13, 2009

The weekend is over!

Three day weekends are nice to have, however I'm glad this one is over. The holidays are not my favorites at the moment. I remember coloring Easter eggs with my boys, what s mess. They enjoyed it immensely, they each took great delight in trying to mess up each others eggs by switching the colors. I had no desire to color eggs this year, out of shear cowardice i decided not too color eggs and bring back memories. Even though the memories are wonderful of my two mischief makers. My hubby was against the idea and really wanted to color eggs. I gave him the option of doing the coloring himself or not doing them at all (i know bitch reared it ugly head). Just to let you know there was NO egg coloring at the house this year.

Otherwise it was an okay day, i cooked meatballs and sausage with a big batch of sauce with spaghetti. Yum it was good. Everyone came over, which helped pass the day along. My younger son B had a good day, ate and then promptly went out. Of course i had to wake him up nice and early, not my problem that he came home early in the morning. hehe Love you B.

Easter baskets were a hit however, even the dog got his treats. I talked to my daughter in law on Saturday and she received her box with the the necessary egg coloring items. It seems there really isn't much of that stuff in Japan, This will be my granddaughters first time coloring Easter eggs (wish i could have seen that). I will be sending out their baskets this week. I know it's easy enough to make them. It's just the fact that I'm missing the one person that loves getting them.

Thursday, April 9, 2009

Easter baskets

You would think that making Easter baskets would be simple, let me say that again you would think that making Easter baskets would be simple. Not so in my house. I need to make 4 Easter baskets to send out to Japan. Yes, i know that they don't celebrate the Easter holiday in Japan. But, I still need to make baskets and send them out. My daughter-in-law never had an Easter basket before, so this started the tradition a few years ago. My son shared the one that we sent to his ship with her. My grandson received his first Easter basket when he was three, and enjoyed it immensely. Of course, my son commented about the sugar high he was riding on for a few days. This made me smile and think of when he was little and his grandparents did the same thing. Now of course with my granddaughter being almost 3 and LOVES candy. Of course there is other goodies in there too, clothes and some toys.

Now my younger son, likes his tradition and likes his Easter basket. Bunny, jelly beans and the works. Of course we always try to put a little something extra in there. Sports tickets or whatever i happen to hear him talking about. Which is always gets a good response from him. But, if you forget something that is always in the basket he lets you know about it.

My sister-in-law is another matter, she gives up chocolate for lent. So i try to make sure that she has a chocolate fix and a little something extra. Then there is my nephew, which my hubby insists on making just one extra basket for. Not that i mind, because once your on a roll it really doesn't matter.

So far the count is 4 baskets to Japan, 3 baskets for at home.

And of course i have taste everything that goes into the basket, a few jelly beans, peeps, chocolate eggs. Hey I'm making them i need to taste them!

Monday, April 6, 2009

Hi Babe

Hi Babe, it's a phrase that i loved hearing. As my dad slowly made his way in the door. His cane in one hand and usually something good to eat in the other. Dad, you really didn't have to bring anything with you. His comment as always "i know i didn't have too but i wanted too". Anyway i really wanted a piece of this cheesecake.

I miss hearing dad's deep voice calling as he walked into the house, or when he reached home after being at either our house or my sisters for awhile. His hat perched ever so jauntily on his head. The twinkle in his eyes when he teased me about how I BBQ. You know your sister does this much better than you do....yeah I know that but she can't make sauce from scratch, so we're even. A big smile on his face.

He adored our dogs, my sisters and mine. He loved to scratch behind their ears, and play with them. Dad always liked dogs, not being able to have one of his own he sort of adopted ours. Between me and my sister I'm sure that we tended to be slightly overprotective (okay dad a lot overprotective) always calling to see if he ate, did he need anything. His response was almost always the same "I'm fine babe, just a little tired".

As, dad's treatments for cancer progressed he was often more tired. I would have loved for him to be able to come and stay in my extra bedroom. But, he wouldn't have it. He needed his own apartment.

Dad's passing was quick, he was in the hospital with his family around him. He just wanted to get comfortable and roll over on his side. And as he did just that he just passed quietly and quickly. I miss my dad on a daily basis, on one thing I'm sure he's up there with my son. He is also commenting on who cooks the best me or my sister. I'll give my sister the best BBQ and i still make the best sauce.

Thursday, April 2, 2009

Mirror

I look in the mirror every day as I get ready for work. Fix the make up, hair an make sure that there isn't anything in my teeth. Can't go to work like that. As i look in the mirror I see the same person as always, yes a little older. A few more wrinkles, a little features from both of my parents.

The person that looks back at is the same person that i've seen for the last many years. But, it isn't really me. My face doesn't show the real me. Not the turmoil that is going on iside my head or my heart. I see no sign of the heartache, almost like i'm living a double life.

I put a smile on my face and continue on as i have so many times. I keep thinking that one day it's all going to come to the surface. This person in the mirror, with conflicting emotions. So many different feelings on a daily basis, as i wake up to reality everyday. Okay, things need to be done. I plan so many things as i look in the mirror, I need to make sure that bills get paid, house needs to be cleaned, let the dog out. This is all the normal everyday things that have to be done. I get up in the morning with high hopes that my mind won't be so fussy today, that i'll be able to focus on the normal (what's really normal) things. But, as usual that's not going to happen.

I try to put my thoughts and feelings on the back burner, just for awhile. It doesn't work, my heartaches and my mind again is in turmoil. Did i do everything i could, could i have done more, what did i miss. I miss my son and it hurts so much to say that. But, as i look in the mirror with tears in my eyes i still can't see the person that i feel like. Mirrors don't lie, do they?