Wednesday, June 26, 2013

ageless memories

Ahhh, the memories. I can almost smell the fresh cut grass as I ran through it as a little girl, giggling as the grass tickled my toes. The linen pinafore dress that I adored twirling as I ran. Mother would always scold me about getting stains on my clothes. It will always make me smile.

Keeping my eyes closed I can remember the trips to beach with my family, everyone all packed into the station wagon. Are we there yet? Can you hear the ocean and feel the breeze on your face, I can, I can. I can hardly wait to put my feet into the water. My new one piece bathing suit, dark green with light green and white stripes going across the top, the little ruffle that went around the legs. I was almost afraid to get it wet.

Frowning a little at the darkness that seems to creep in every once in awhile. IT’s taking the happiness away.
The young woman chatting away with her mom sees a slight smile cross her faces. Mom I hope you're having a nice thought she says. It’s been months since mom has even been able to acknowledge that she’s in the room. As she keeps talking to her, she reaches out to gently push the hair off of her forehead. It would be so nice to see some recognition in her mom’s eyes once more. I long for the days that we could sit and talk for hours. Catch up on the day’s events and talk about the growing grandchildren.

I can't believe that I'm graduating high school already. So excited to get the girls all together and spend the weekend in the mountains. I know it’s a different place to go, but Harold’s dad has a place in the mountains. Mom said it was okay to go as long as Harold’s parents were going to be there. I get so dreamy when I think about Harold, I’m hoping for a stolen kiss this weekend. I can't wait to tell the girls about it.

Harold and I had such a brief period together, too small children and he’s gone. What am I going to do? I can't sit here and cry all day, I need to get everything going and take care of the children. I can do it with just a little help. I will do it and have healthy happy children.

Mom why are there tears running down your cheeks? I wish there was something I could do for you, please talk to me. Help me understand what’s going on with you; I don't know what to do anymore. Matching tears cascade down her daughters cheeks.

I don't want to think about the terrible times, I want the happier moments and the joy of being free. As the darkness rolls in and gets closer within her mind it’s so much easier to retreat to the happier and carefree times.

As the daughter packs up to leave and leans down to kiss her mom goodbye, she sees the slight smile cross he lips again. At least she isn't crying any more, I’ll have to take whatever comfort I can.

Tuesday, February 12, 2013

Over the years.


It's funny the things that go through you thoughts on a daily basis'. Getting through the year 2012 was a lot more complicated than anticipated. I had the every two year blues, almost like waiting for the proverbial shoe to drop. It's how our life has been for awhile now coincidence I don't think so. Fate, nah. Just life.

In February of 2003 my brother in law was in an explosion is Staten Island. Hair raising experience for sure. He was the lucky one that survived, however the treatment for burns is not so easy. The pain that he was in was incredible. It seemed that it never ended, braiding the old skin so that new skin could grow was not an easy process for him or the family to deal with. Obviously it something that is over with but the memories still remain.

In January of 2004 my mom went in to the hospital for back surgery, my sister and I tried so many times to talk her out of it. At her age and health it wasn't something that we thought should happen. She was adamant that this is going to help her back pain, and my dad thought that as long as it helped her feel better he was all for it. Sometime during or right after the surgery her blood pressure dropped dramatically and I believe that this affected her recovery. She never came home after that, in and out of rehab's, hospitals and idiot doctors with a god complex. It was disheartening to watch her fail. It broke my dad's heart every time he visited her. It was either very long or very short 5 months whichever way you look at it. So one midnight evening my mother passed in May 2004.

Thanksgiving should be a time of families being together, cooking, laughing, and bickering. We should not have been taking dinner to my dad in the hospital. After being diagnosed with skin cancer, what a miserable disease cancer is. It just sucks the life force out of you. He did the chemo and the radiation with such grace and dignity. He amazed us on a daily basis. Between the cancer and other health related issue's (including a broken heart) dad past from our lives ever so peacefully December 2006.

Parents should not out live their children, it hurts too much. Chemo and doctors and so much more than I care to go into at this point. Needless to say that the year of 2008 was pretty much a blur to me. It was just so much to go through and get through. It was a never ending year.

The year of 2010 was another one of those years. Dealing with lung cancer, my father in law was a funny guy. Never one to create drama but always one with a smile. He had such a fear of dying and watching him get to that point was heart wrenching. So one day in April 2012 he past on.

In between all this happening was also some other stuff, my nephew getting bit by a brown recluse spider. Those little suckers are nasty!
Then of course just life in general.

I think that I was holding my breather most of 2012 just waiting and waiting. I really thought that something onimus was going to happen. Yes, we did have a crisis in December. But we got through it. Family is such an important factor in every day life. I know for one that I would be totally lost without my hubby. My son is such an amazing person. My sister is my rock and my sounding board.