Friday, February 5, 2010

Damn, Damn Damn

Ears buzzing, ringing, my body has just went numb. What did you just say, what do you mean you chest feels tight? It has been going on for how long, you didn't go to the hospital, why? Shit, Fuck, Damn.

Okay go to the ER and let them check you out, call me as soon as you hear anything. Tex ting back and forth anything yet? No not yet. Phone call comes in. Excuse me what did you just say. A what where, on your lung, how big. Numbness all over my body. Hands shaking, head pounding. 3 cm on your right lower right lung? No this isn't happening, i won't let it.

No i don't think it's cancer. (it's not, it's not, no fucking way) Okay they are going to a catscan, when? in just a few minutes Okay okay good. call me when you get out and let me know what they say. Brain fuzzy, chest hurts can't stand this waiting. This cannot be happening no fucking way. I need to get to Nebraska NOW. More texting. He's out of the catscan, Can't determine exactly what it is, you need to go to a doctor and get an MRI done as soon as possible. FUCK, FUCK FUCK.

Okay talk calming to Brian he is upset and freaking out. No your going to be fine, you'll see. No I'm not being optimistic you be fine. (I can't deal with this). Okay you have the doctors number and have to make an appointment for tomorrow morning. Brian it will be fine, honest. (I have to have hope).

Phone rings early this morning. Hey Brian did you get any sleep. No i guess you didn't. I know your scared, me too. I wish I was there to give you a big hug. Ah, honey it's going to be fine. No. I'm not in denial. No you can't say that you knew for a fact that you have cancer. Let's wait until the results from the doctor come in. Yes, i know that there is a spot on your lung. No YOU ARE NOT GOING TO DIE IN 2 MONTHS. NOW JUST STOP IT. (tears, heartache) Do you want me to fly out and be with you? Yes, I know you go to the doctors by yourself. Yes, I know that your 24 years old. (and you ARE going to grow older) Okay, Okay you'll call me. I love you so. Please try to relax a little. Yes, i know that you will fight for your live. Okay you'll come home after your find out whats going on. I'll fly out and drive back home with you. I really don't care how much it will cost. (FUCK, FUCK, FUCK) Let's try to be positive. I know, I know you have something on your lung. Okay, you get ready to call the doctor and call be back later when you have an appointment. I really don't want to be the one to call you back mom and tell you that i have lung cancer. But, if i have too i will. Bye Love you.

Texting back and forth. Mom this Doctor is a riot, very cool. And what did your doctor say. She's really is good. Okay but what did she say. She doesn't think it's cancer, not sure what it is but she doesn't think it's cancer. I have to go to a pulmonary doctor. My appointment is next Thursday. If I don't hear back from her in the next hour or so, they'll call and make an apt for me.

Mom i feel better now, i guess I'll be around for awhile. I love you and talk to you soon.

No comments: